There comes a time when I must step aside and let other great comedic authors shine. I hope that I can have this as a recurring feature here, but that is yet to be seen. My best friends and I used to have an emal "round-table" where we'd often compose random pieces of brilliance for each other's entertainment, but those wells appear to have dried up as of late. For now, here's a great article written by a good friend of mine with great comedic timing. I've revamped it with some pictures, but the content is untouched. To be fair, this piece was actually written at least five or six years ago, but it's still as poignant as ever, so pardon him if some of the references are a bit old. Without further ado, I give you:
SHAVING YOUR BALLS
Shave your balls? Hell, why not! After all, you shave your face, don't you? A lot of you have shaved your heads! And some of you may even shave that shit-crusted tuft of hair sprouting out the back of your ass cheeks! So why not give your balls a once over? Like Dr. Evil once said: "There's nothing quite like the sight of a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking, really." And if you can't believe a fictional character, then who can you believe? Isn't that right, Jesus? Hey hey!
So why don't you put down that writing assignment and give yourself a treat? The feeling of a cool summer breeze wafting over a freshly mown batch of testicles is one of the true joys of life. Just follow these simple steps, and soon you too can savor the freedom!
Step 1: Do You Have Balls?
It's a well-known fact that over 50% of the population do not have balls. "Good lord!" you exclaim. "No balls? That's DISGUSTING!" Yes, it is! But it's true! Industrial accidents, over-zealous exploratory masturbation and advanced leprosy are some of the leading causes of de-balled existance (or, as it is known in the medical community: "Good Lord! What on earth have you done to yourself?")
If you're a member of this segment of society, don't panic, run off and go kill youself. At the beginning of the 21st century, obtaining a fresh set of hairy balls has never been easier! If you can't borrow a set off a friend, try Chinatown, the internet, or the dumpster behind the Backstreet Boys changing room. Once you've got your balls (either your own or packed in ice), you can safely proceed to…
Step 2: Time to Get Naked
Would you take a shower with your clothes on? Of course not. That would make about as much sense as packing your ass with gun powder and sitting on a camp fire surrounded by young children. What are you, an idiot? Take your fucking clothes off so you can get AT those balls!
You may be tempted to just take off your pants, or just cut a whole in the crotch of your underwear so you can stay warm while you get down to business. All I can say is this: don't be so goddamn lazy! Laziness leads to sloppyness. Sloppyness leads to cut balls. I'll never forget the time my friend Oz went to shave his balls wearing just a saddle. He came back 2 minutes later whimpering like an abused Terrier, holding a soap dish filled with unmentionable nastiness in his hand. You don't want to be like Oz, do you? Having sex with a watermelon in the backroom of a Loblaws because no one will look at your shredded undercarriage? Of course not.
Step 3: Wash Them Balls!
Before you shave your balls, you better make damned sure they're clean. So give em a good scrub! Scrub a-dub-dub! After all, who likes filthy balls? Nobody, that's who. In fact, go up to someone in the street and ask them if they'd rather like
a) to suck on your dirty balls, or
b) a solid gold bar.
Chances are reasonably good that they'd choose 'b', which is too bad because now you've effectively paid someone not to suck your balls. You're like an anti-prostitute, which means if you ever get stuck in a room with Anna Nicole Smith, you'll cause an explosion that will wipe out the universe. Either that or she'll attempt to marry you for your fortune (which you just gave away in the form of a solid gold bar). Continue reading ‘Special Guest Author: Chrism!’