Do you use the word “strain” as often as you use the word “the”? Did you just drink a J.D. and prune juice? Is creamed corn looking tastier all the time? Let’s cut to the chase: If you’re reading this, it means that you’re not sitting on the toilet in peace moving your bowels! That’s my business!
Ahoy there, first mates and swabbers! Scoops McQueen here! Staying regular is no joke! And I know that an impacted anus can mean more than just trouble in the bathroom! It can mean trouble in the bedroom, too! Ha ha, Ok, that’s enough shop-talk…let’s get right to it!
Your bowel is your best friend: always behind you and ready for action. No one’s gonna stick with you like your bowel will. No one’s gonna be there for you after a night of double-hot wings like your bowel will. No one’s gonna leach the water out of your nearly-digested foodstuffs like your bowel will. Fuck no, they won’t. And that’s why it’s you and your bowels for life. You’ve heard of liver transplants, heart transplants, kidney transplants, knee transplants and marrow transplants…but bowel transplants? That’s kind of personal, isn’t it? You’re with those puppies till the day you die.
If relieving yourself from “back there” *snicker* has you tightening up and straining like you were trying to melt yourself out of a giant ice cube, then it’s time to stop right now! Dab a moist sponge on your face and come with me! It’s time to get your colon in motion! You’re only three steps away from a bowel so smooth–so clean–you could serve dinner off it.
Step 1: Move it to the morning, pinko!
Nothing’s worse than having your day’s first BM in the PM. I mean, you’ll get out of bed, go through your entire routine, and you’re telling me your bowel doesn’t need a “good morning” too? Damn straight, it does! Sit yourself down and talk to it. I don’t mean a quick “how’s your father”, I mean a real, heartfelt sit-down while you’re sitting. Here are some potential discussion topics:
1) Which gums are less likely to “chew down”.
2) Power-move codes for “Street Fighter”.
3) Favourite Rememberance Day moments.
4) Skin-care secrets.
By the time you get through to the time you held your girlfriend as she cried during the Last Post, you’ll have effectively spilled your guts to your bowels, and your bowels will no doubt be more open to spilling their guts for you. So remember: start your day with your large intestine on your mind.
Step 2: If you sit there, it will come.
What is this, a race? Relax! If you don’t have time to wait for your bowels, then I’m not surprised they don’t have time for you. Oh, shit, I’m sorry! Is performing an essential bodily function not worth your precious millionnaire time? Is clearing out your body’s waste not hip enough for you? Oh, pardon me for interrupting your day full of high-powered business and cocaine parties! Can your bowels and I get a minute? I mean, COME ON, man! Get into it or bust! You say you don’t have time to sit around all morning. Do what it takes. Read the paper. Drink your coffee in there. Surf the internet from the toilet. Call your work and tell them you’ll be late. Bottom line, show some effort and I promise, it’ll pay off in all the booty candy you can imagine.
Step 3: Let ‘Er Rip!
When the time comes, hoo boy! You’ll know it, that’s for darn sure! Properly releasing is just that: releasing properly. Letting your bowels know that you’ll poop with vigour every day is how you ensure an active and high-yield relationship with your bowels. Make noise. Get into it. Savour what’s happening.
Basically, make a bowel movement the highlight of your day, and, mark my words, you’ll secure a lifetime of defecation on a higher scale than you ever though possible. Your bowels will be waiting in anticipation for the very moment they can show you how much they “got your back.”
So there you have it! I can feel a smile creeping over your face as you begin to realize the world of enjoyment and healthy waste-expulsion that awaits the new, more vigilant you. So march in there, take down your slacks, and show your bowels what’s what. Yes, it’ll all be coming together for you now, and it’s all because you opened your heart, your mind, and your anus.
Go get ’em, Tiger.