Archive for February, 2006


Quality Assurance

Mis amigos…

If some of you feel that there has been a slight drop in both quality and quantity of my posts, don’t worry. I feel the same way. I’ve been slacking (I won’t say I’ve been too busy) and I want to give you all what you came for: quality social commentary and controversial and subversive humour. I am currently working on something that should be up today, but while you wait I have posted a video that should inspire you to be a little less selfish. But not too much–I wouldn’t want my reader base to be made up of people who are more admirable than I am.


And Lo! The answer came unto him. And he saw that it was good.

Oh my, oh my, oh my.

Just when I thought I knew everything there was to know about word processing, an angel by the name of Peter Lynn came unto me and showed me the way. Maybe some of you knew this already, but I had never stumbled across it in my near 26 years of livelihood.

Have you ever begun to type feverishly while looking somewhere other than the screen, only to find that YOU ACCIDENTALLY HIT CAPS LOCK AT THE BEGINNING? At this point, you are either forced to erase and re-type the sentence, or purge your sins in a confessional in the hopes that God will no longer smite you while working and save his cruel and unusual penance for the weekend.

Well, my pudding-thighed friends, you’ll be glad to hear that you can go back to tripping retarted service workers and pleasuring yourself in hotel lobbies without fear of reprisal, cause henceforth, God’s ability to stage word-processor based attacks on you will be severely stymied.

Shift + F3.

That’s right. It switches it all back down to lowercase. Highlight that shit and do it up. Don’t bother thanking me—rather, begin worrying about the new and creative ways the Lord will seek retribution upon you for electrocuting that chipmunk when you were 16, now that your typed documents are no longer vulnerable.

I’ve heard he’s fond of diabetes.


The Red Colour…You Know…

I was lovingly informed by my girlfriend last night that at one point, I was turning over and sleepingly approached her with the following (she had the foresight to write it down):

Remember about the red colour…

The red colour of the cartoon…

You know the red colour?…

Hmm.  What can we glean from this, other than the fact that I clearly (and unabashedly) still dream about cartoons?


Valentine’s is Gonna Rock!

HeartOh, man, tomorrow’s gonna be the best Valentine’s Day ever! I’ve got so much planned for my lovely lady, it’s gonna blow her mind!

9:00 AM: She awakens to the sound of a harp being played gently by an Asian woman sitting next to her bed.

9:15 AM: The sounds of bacon sizzling violently overpower the Asian woman’s plucks. The Asian woman is released from my service as my woman makes her way into the kitchen for the best double cheese western sandwich of the year.

10:00 AM: Scheduled intercourse, or ‘lovemaking’, as I will henceforth refer to it as due to the special occasion.

10:25 AM: Lovemaking session is adjourned. Satisfied praise acknowledged with humility.

10:30 AM: Half-hour of free wash-time.

11:00 AM: One dozen long-stemmed roses delivered by Charlton Heston.

12:00 PM: I depart for a half-day of work, during which time one (1) Lindt Lindor Chocolate, one (1) sample vial of Elizabeth Taylor’s White Diamonds perfume and one (1) moist towelette are delivered to her apartment.

4:30 PM: I return to pick up my now freshly-washed and luncheoned goddess from her abode.

4:45 PM: She sits quietly in the brisk February air as I read the legend of St. Valentine aloud, below the statue of Queen Elizabeth.

5:30 PM: I pose nude and present my girlfriend with an art brush and a collection of Crayola watercolor pads with which to paint a picture of me as a gift for herself.

7:00 PM: Reservations at The Keg. Girlfriend is invited to order “whatever she wishes” (restrictions: steaks above 8 ounces, shellfish).

9:00 PM: Evening showing of King Kong.

12:10 AM: Released from King Kong. Go back to my house for a brief kiss and then sleep (I do have to work in the morning!).


Wow, huh? Yeah, I know, it’s a bit much, but I guess that’s what love does to a gentleman. This year I didn’t forget: Valentines is Tuesday Feb 21st, the 6th last Tuesday preceding the first ecclesiastical full moon that occurs on or after the day of the vernal equinox.

This year I planned ahead, and I shall reap the benefits of a happy, spontaneous and stable relationship. At any rate, it’s much better than my last Tuesday, where I accidentally slept through work, woke up at 2 PM and watched Back to the Future 2 three times in a row.


A New Era for Me

Yes, I am a touch behind when it comes to blogging culture, just like I am behind in realizing that my blogging provider now supports video posts directly on one’s site. Here I am, open to you all, placing a video on my site for the first time.

Since, as anyone who knows me will attest, I have a deep love for Back to the Future, I found the following video deeply rewarding. There are many like it on the so-called InterWeb, but this is the one I like best. As a test video post, I don’t think I could do much better. Enjoy!

Here’s to the hope that, in the future, men and boys will be free to share their deep feelings for each other without the use of time machines.


How Can One Resist?

How can I possibly not put this link on my blog?

It’s like all of our childhood dreams coming true at once.

Click here to check it out.


Upping the Ante

5 bladesWell, a few days ago, I made a brief reference to a humour article supposedly by the CEO of Gillette declaring he would take the razor war to the quintosphere. That same day, I happened to be looking at a TV (something I don’t do too often, due to my lack of cable) when I saw a commercial for the Gillette Fusion.

So, essentially, Gillette really “went there” (snap fingers accordingly), in a slow response to Schick’s Quattro. The odd thing is, that article is pretty old, and I posted it on a whim. So you can imagine my joy in realizing that something I put on my blog was actually pertinent.

What I am sort of suprised at, is the fact that Gillette ads are still taking their products as seriously as ever. There’s no ironic mention that they did exactly what every red-blooded man-who-won’t-go-to-a-power-shaver knew they would do. There have even been countless commercials spoofing the razor wars. Even the Schick company at least had a lighthearted approach to itself when they unleashed their 4 bladed razor. I believe the commercial went: “FOUR BLADES?! Where’s it gonna stop?” (a few seconds of flashing and bladelike sounds)….. “HERE.” (a man holding the razor up to the camera with conviction.)

But, no, the Gillette commercial was a serious as ever, and featured all the crisp shiny graphics and women stroking men’s faces that we’ve come to expect from a good razor ad. They even tried to add some of the trademark science jargon into the narration, except at this, they failed miserably. And I quote:
“The blades are spaced 30 percent closer together than MACH3 blades. This creates a ‘Shaving Surface’ that distributes the shaving force across the blades for significantly less irritation and more comfort.”

Shaving Surface‘? That’s the big scientific term (which they’ve trademarked, to boot)? I mean, give me something to wrap my head around. Why not: “Gillette presents its revolutionary ‘blade matrix.'” Or: “experience the power of Gillette’s ‘PentaSlice‘ technology.” Or even: “You’ll have to feel the ‘PowerCut‘ system at work to believe it.”

Despite all this, I’m a Gillette user through and through. I’ve been a Mach3 guy for many, many years, and it’s never let me down. Will I make the switch to the five blade razor?

Only time, and the fact that I currently wear a beard, will tell.

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