There comes a time when I must step aside and let other great comedic authors shine. I hope that I can have this as a recurring feature here, but that is yet to be seen. My best friends and I used to have an emal "round-table" where we'd often compose random pieces of brilliance for each other's entertainment, but those wells appear to have dried up as of late. For now, here's a great article written by a good friend of mine with great comedic timing. I've revamped it with some pictures, but the content is untouched. To be fair, this piece was actually written at least five or six years ago, but it's still as poignant as ever, so pardon him if some of the references are a bit old. Without further ado, I give you:
SHAVING YOUR BALLS
Shave your balls? Hell, why not! After all, you shave your face, don't you? A lot of you have shaved your heads! And some of you may even shave that shit-crusted tuft of hair sprouting out the back of your ass cheeks! So why not give your balls a once over? Like Dr. Evil once said: "There's nothing quite like the sight of a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking, really." And if you can't believe a fictional character, then who can you believe? Isn't that right, Jesus? Hey hey!
So why don't you put down that writing assignment and give yourself a treat? The feeling of a cool summer breeze wafting over a freshly mown batch of testicles is one of the true joys of life. Just follow these simple steps, and soon you too can savor the freedom!
Step 1: Do You Have Balls?
It's a well-known fact that over 50% of the population do not have balls. "Good lord!" you exclaim. "No balls? That's DISGUSTING!" Yes, it is! But it's true! Industrial accidents, over-zealous exploratory masturbation and advanced leprosy are some of the leading causes of de-balled existance (or, as it is known in the medical community: "Good Lord! What on earth have you done to yourself?")
If you're a member of this segment of society, don't panic, run off and go kill youself. At the beginning of the 21st century, obtaining a fresh set of hairy balls has never been easier! If you can't borrow a set off a friend, try Chinatown, the internet, or the dumpster behind the Backstreet Boys changing room. Once you've got your balls (either your own or packed in ice), you can safely proceed to…
Step 2: Time to Get Naked
Would you take a shower with your clothes on? Of course not. That would make about as much sense as packing your ass with gun powder and sitting on a camp fire surrounded by young children. What are you, an idiot? Take your fucking clothes off so you can get AT those balls!
You may be tempted to just take off your pants, or just cut a whole in the crotch of your underwear so you can stay warm while you get down to business. All I can say is this: don't be so goddamn lazy! Laziness leads to sloppyness. Sloppyness leads to cut balls. I'll never forget the time my friend Oz went to shave his balls wearing just a saddle. He came back 2 minutes later whimpering like an abused Terrier, holding a soap dish filled with unmentionable nastiness in his hand. You don't want to be like Oz, do you? Having sex with a watermelon in the backroom of a Loblaws because no one will look at your shredded undercarriage? Of course not.
Step 3: Wash Them Balls!
Before you shave your balls, you better make damned sure they're clean. So give em a good scrub! Scrub a-dub-dub! After all, who likes filthy balls? Nobody, that's who. In fact, go up to someone in the street and ask them if they'd rather like
a) to suck on your dirty balls, or
b) a solid gold bar.
Chances are reasonably good that they'd choose 'b', which is too bad because now you've effectively paid someone not to suck your balls. You're like an anti-prostitute, which means if you ever get stuck in a room with Anna Nicole Smith, you'll cause an explosion that will wipe out the universe. Either that or she'll attempt to marry you for your fortune (which you just gave away in the form of a solid gold bar). In addition to feeling kind of nice, washing your balls will remove any accumulated dirt, crusty jizzm, or dead crabs that might clog the razor later, as well as potentially give you a "fatty" that you might need to "take care of" if you "know what I mean." Eh? Eh? Oh yeah, spank that bad boy to bed, baby. Oh, I'm sorry – I was talking about ball-shaving.
Step 4: Shaving Cream is a Dream!
Choosing a shaving cream can be as important a decision as deciding to shave your balls in the first place. So make sure you put some time into your decision when you go shopping. At first you may be tempted to use the same shaving cream you use on your face. Your scrotum is not your face. Upon closer inspection, you may notice your scrotum is very wrinkly, whereas your face appears to be somewhat smooth. Also, your face does not contain any testicles. May I humbly recommend some sort of Gillete product? What ever you do, don't use "Son-of-a-gun Turtle Wax" which, while is very good at making your car smooth, will leave you with the genital equivalent of salted earth.
Step 5: Time to Smooth Them Suckers Out!
Now that you've taken care of all the boring preparation, you can start the real work (and fun) of becoming a genuine "smoothy"! Grab some sort of razor, and just sort of rub it on yourself! Pretty easy, eh? Yup, all that hair and other stuff will just slough off! And don't worry about all the mess that you're making because those modern day drains can handle almost anything; however, I must caution you that balls are delicate! The previous advice i've given you may, infact, lead to excessive screaming and thrashing in nigh unimaginable pain. Guess that'll teach you to read instructions in advance.
In any case, you'll want to splash a little classy aftershave on yourself to prevent infection, inflammation, and possible amputation. Old Spice and Aqua Velvet are both excellent choices, as they will not only numb your skin, but the "old man" smell will prevent anyone having sex with you until your balls heal.
Step 6: Lets Take Those Boys to Town!
Now that "Papa's got a brand new bag", it's high time you painted the town red. Don't be surprised if people approach you on the street to comment on your new appearance, expecially if you forgot to put your pants back on in all your excitement.
You may also want to change your wardrobe, so as to better show off your new look. Is there anything more hip then a pair of tight black jeans that let the average person see the actual size and shape of your cock and balls? I say "absolutely not". Other popular choices include "short shorts" with flimsy boxers, or bicycle pants for clearly un-aerobic activities such as walking to the vending machine for a bag of chips.
After reading all those steps you may not be convinced. "That seems like a lot of work!" you say, frowning and shaking your finger at the screen. "I'm not sure I'm prepared to put in the time! Maybe if there was some sort of machine that I could put my hairy balls in, and receive a set of bald balls on the other end would do it. And while you’re at it, could you invent something to take care of the rash? It's really itchy." Well, I may not be able to cure your rash, but I can give you the benefits of a shaved scrotum, such as:
1) Your balls WILL be more aerodynamic.
2) If lately your pubic hair has been turning into man-eating diamondback rattlers, you won't have to worry about dying from as many crotch-snake bites.
3) Crabs? Not on this sexy man!
4) If you have very tiny balls, you'll always be able to find them.
5) If you were spending a fortune on conditioner to make your pubes silky-smooth, get ready to have a little extra spending cash.
6) Thousand of fat guys all over the planet shave their balls on a regular basis, and fat guys have always been on the cutting edge of what's cool.