Archive for January, 2006

31
Jan
06

The Vagina Chronologues

vagina“Boy, is it great to pee! Pee! Pee! Anywhere’s fine! As long as it’s smelly and wet! Don’t worry about cleaning it up; I’ll just pee some more in a minute!”

“Peeing’s not that cool anymore. Well, maybe sometimes. I’m more into being kept in discreet cotton panties. If you try to look at me, you go to jail.”

“I’ve decided to grow my hair out. I figure it’s time for a change.”

“This morning I vomited blood, and it was difficult to cover up. I am both shocked and appalled.”

“I thought the vomiting went away, but it was all just an illusion. I’m worried I may have come down with something. Probably just a 24-hour flu.”

“Nope. Not a 24 hour flu. But I’ll tell you something weird if you promise not to laugh…they stuck something cottony in me…and it wasn’t that bad. I don’t know. Just saying. ”

“I feel sort of strange these days, like as if there’s a void inside me needing to be filled. Also, things are kind of smelly and wet again. Meh, go fig.”

“Holy shit…is it hot in here or what? Goddamn, talk about sweating like a mofo. Anyway, not much else is going o–uh…what’s that huge fleshy thing? Is it–does that thing think it’s coming in here?…EXCUSE ME! Shit, it’s not stopping. Well, bring it on. oooh. shit *ungh* that’s kind of tight. But geeeeeeeeez, *hoo*! Whatthe—ooooooooooo, fuck! Jesus Christ! Holy nutsack, i’m dripping like a loofah over here! EEEEEEEEEE-ha! Oh, c’mon, pump that shit, hot rod! Hey, easy boy…*choke* *mmmmfffff*. Hwut thm fmck hmmmpnned?!”

“Oh, man, I’m totally into getting shit stuffed into me hard these days. It’s probably just a phase or something.”

“Well, I haven’t had the puking in a while. That’s pretty decent. I figure things are gonna get a whole lot more comfortable from here on out.”

“Yep, it’s been quite a while since I had the blood vomit. I’d say months, even. And, let me tell you, it’s been a sweet ride. Nothing could possibly go wro—AAAAAAAAARRRRGH! Aaah! Lord of the Almighty! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! *huff* *huff* AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHH!”

“Ok, veeery funny, everybody. Sure, sure, laugh it up… Let’s see how you like it getting your face stretched like a pizza pie. Eat shit, you assholes.”

“Well, I’m bored these days. Nooooothing exciting ever happens over here. You know what, though? The puking started up again. Can’t win ’em all, I guess. Meh. I don’t even care that much any more.”

“Puking stopped again. I got a bit of a dry throat these days. Sore too. Not much moisture going on down there. I’ll probably just go to sleep early tonight.”

“Boy, is it great to pee! Pee! Pee! Anywhere’s fine! As long as it’s smelly and wet! Don’t worry about cleaning it up; I’ll just pee some more in a minute!”

THE END

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31
Jan
06

Dear Friends

Fret Not!  I shall be with you soon.
Check back in a bit.

27
Jan
06

What does Google do for you?

I love Google. I really do. When I see people trying to search for things online using Yahoo or Lycos or Dogpile or *shudder* AskJeeves, it makes me want to wretch. All over their heads. And if they’re bald, then on some sort of a thick shag carpet. Basically something that they can’t just wipe off with a warm towel.

And when they’re either in the shower washing my breakfast out of their hair, or on their hands and knees picking out chunks from beneath the delicately woven threads of fine carpetry I want them to remember “If only I had used Google.”

That said, I wanted to elaborate on my post from two days ago (or was it yesterday?…I don’t remember). The video about the future of Google. I tend to support mass media because that’s what I’ve studied. I’ve read about it, written about it, and tried to critique it until I was blue in the face. But it’s not going anywhere. And neither are you or your thoughts, if you care enough about them to share them.

ock.jpgYes, if the world becomes a widespread network of IMs and Emoticons, you’ll have to search harder to filter out all the bullshit. But that’s part of the challenge of being intelligent. Like Doctor Octavius said in Spiderman 2: “Intelligence is not a privilege, it’s a gift.” He knew that you couldn’t sit idly by and watch as people strangled the ideas that would reinvent the world. He knew that if you needed tridium, then you’d have to break a few skulls. He knew that you if you want the power of the sun, you either got it in the palm of your grotesque metal hand or you ain’t got it at all.

So, the point is, if the video below turns out to be somewhat close to what we end up with, it’ll probably be decent. Best case scenario: everyone becomes less ignorant. Worst case scenario: those who want the information will have to spend, what, 20 more seconds of sitting in front of their computer to find it?

And with such a complex information network set up, when aliens observe our planet, trying to gather critical defence information about humans so to better organize an attack, they will be overwhelmed by yellow winking faces and pictures of Jessica Simpson.

Score one more for us, Planet Regulaan.

27
Jan
06

Bedtime Wishes

images.jpg

A tender sleep,
A touching dream,
A silken sheet,
And pillow clean.

May fluids dry,
And drool absorbe,
And sleep invade
Your cranial orb.

Goodnight Children.

26
Jan
06

The Future of Google

Google Maps. Wikipedia. Satellite imagery. We’re immersed up to our nipples in a steam of increasingly personal information sharing and editing. From Wikipedia, where I can literally go to any entry and add the word “fart” in the middle, to Google Earth’s delightful ability to zoom from space into your backyard, nearly worldwide.

Here’s an extremely well put-together video, made two years ago, but distubingly close in some of its predictions. See it here. Enjoy, and report back here for discussion.

Credit for this piece of work goes to Robin Sloan and Matt Thompson, with music by Aaron McLeran.

And check out the betaSuri stream, where I discovered it.

See you soon, back here, where we’ll delve futher into the discussion.

25
Jan
06

A Five Second Mystery

knife.jpgTully scooped up his intestines from the ground, the blood bubbling against the hot concrete. The afternoon suburban air above him was crisp and light as the stench of roasted hemoglobin and wasted dreams wafted up toward his nose. His fingers caressed his once comfortably nestled bowels, now partially strewn across the pavement.

“Who has done this to me?” he called out toward the ether.. “Heaven help me, who hath committed this crime against mankind?”

Tully thought for a moment. His innards were still warm…The culprit couldn’t be far away. He drew in a deep breath and cleared his mind. After a few moments, his concentration was interrupted by a rustle in the bushes to his right. Had someone just giggled?

He jerked his head to the right as quickly as his rapidly draining life would allow. But it was too late. All that remained were a few stray leaves, a swaying bush…and a maraca.

“GONZAAALEEEZ!!” Tully screamed into the sunny afternoon sky.

THE END

24
Jan
06

HARPER VOWS TO “GET BUSY LIVING”

harpercrush1.jpgAfter a hard fifty-five days of intense campaigning, newly-elected Prime Minister Stephen Harper is ready to shed some of his demonic power and “really get to know Earth’s surface”, as he stated yesterday evening after Paul Martin conceded defeat.

Working from both his offices on Earth and in the Inferno, Harper has shown tremendous tenacity on the road to securing his party’s 124 seats in Canada’s House of Commons, from non-stop coast-to-coast travel to the kissing of numerous elderly Canadians. Having proudly succeeded, Harper told press that he was happy to finally be able to experience the sensations and feelings that normal Earth-bound humans live every day.

Having been under the watchful eye of his patron demon Asmodeus, commander of 72 legions of demons, Harper informed Canadians that he was kept essentially “half-alive” since his appearance in the political scene in 1985, as an aide to Conservative MP James Hawkes. Asmodeus, known to hate water, decided on posting Harper in the Canadian praries, as opposed to other, more traditionally lake-filled provinces such as Ontario or British Columbia. Asmodeus also told reporters that Harper will now be free to possess all five human senses, and, having accomplished his 26-year mission, has been given signed authority by Satan hflames 21.jpgimself to live exclusively on Earth’s surface if he so wishes.

“Today, I was allowed to smell for the first time,” Harper said early Tuesday morning, his eyes watering. “Do you have any idea how good fresh-baked cinnamon buns smell?….Holy shit, I’ve been missing out…they’re friggin’ awesome!”

Harper hopes that new, non odour-based opportunities will continue to arise in his quest to experience all of humanity’s pleasures, and is confident that his new found tactile sense will also improve his marriage.

When asked what he plans to do with his free time, Harper answered “Really get busy living. I plan to travel quite a bit. I’ve always wanted to see the Vatican from the inside; maybe meet the Pope. You know, find out what we’re up against.”
Mr. Harper will be the 22nd Prime Mparis1.jpginister of Canada, and is excited to take his seat in Parliament alongside his colleages to help Canada become a better nation.

“Of course, not all of my Hell powers are gone. I’ve been allowed to keep a few of my choice as a farewell gift. That’s a good thing, because some of them were too good to give up,” he stated, laughing.




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