Quick Update

Since the last post was a bit too tragic to actually approach with my usual irreverence, I thought the least I could do is add an update to the story. According to this article, the morning radio show that conceived the deadly water-drinking contest was completely shut down, and ten staff, including the three morning hosts were fired.

They have since gone on to create three nationally syndicated on-air contests: “Make Yourself Bleed; Win Tickets to Creed”,  “Smoke Until You Vomit”, and “Have Unprotected Sex with this Hooker, Win a Trip to Hawaii.”

Speak Now, or Forever Hold Your Pee.

A mother’s love runs pretty deep. Hey, if you swung a stick around an average city street, you would probably have no trouble hitting a mother who admits she would die to protect her kids.

But to protect them from boredom? In Sacramento, California, a woman has done just that. In an attempt to win a Nintendo Wii for her three kids, Jennifer Strange, 28, participated in a radio contest hosted by 107.9 “The End” called “Hold Your Wee for a Wii”. Essentially, the goal was to drink as much water as you could without urinating. Little did she know, her stint on “The End” would literally be the end for her. The poor woman died of water intoxication after arriving home. Check out the CNN article here.

And I’m sure she never thought she she would die from something as seemingly innocent as drinking too much water. Apparently, though, you can die from drinking 1.8 litres of water (just under half a gallon) in one sitting; less if you have a very low-sodium diet.

Once, near the end of high school, a few friends and I had gotten together to study for a math exam. Needless to say, not much studying ended up getting done, but my friend Jon and I did manage to see how many glasses of water we could drink. I remember there was half an Aquafina water-cooler jog, and the two of us finished it with one glass after another.

Man, we were pissing literally every two minutes, and that urine was crystal clear. But we were peeing. Keeping that water in, like Ms. Strange would have to have done for the contest, would only lower and lower her blood sodium level, until her cells absorbed too much water in order to equalize the pressure, and swelled, perhaps even rupturing.

Man, that radio station is in some serious trouble, and I hope they give that poor family the Nintendo—it’s the least they could do.

Seven Metres of Sorrow

It’s fantastic to me when advertisers make blanket statements…on one hand, I despise it, while, on the other, it can really brighten one’s day. A perfect example is “Life should taste as good as Swiss Chalet” (implying that your entire life and everything in it is still not as pleasurable as one meal at the aforementioned restaurant). I personally hate the slogan, but love that someone approved it.

This morning, one took me by a pleasant surprise on my drive to work. I was listening to 101.5 the FOX, a U.S. classic rock radio station whose waves make it over the border to Ottawa. In fact, their station’s tagline is “Broadcasting in North America’s greatest cities: Ottawa, Cornwall, Brockville, Massena, Potsdam.”

And if we have time, Chicago, Boston, Los Angeles.

Anyway, the station actually boasts a pretty good morning show, where the hosts really focus on hard comedy (including a lot of stand-ups as guests), as opposed to most morning show hosts, who normally just fake-laugh and try to sound excited when whimsically musing about whatever news stories are interesting or whatever the hell happened on reality TV last night.

Despite the pretty decent morning show, the ads are just as reprehensible as on any other station. Used car dealerships, Mohawk casinos, a variety of “roadhouses”, and any of a number of other parasitic establishments that crowd the U.S.-Canada border like maggots in the ocular cavity of a dead horse.

And then on an ad just as bad as all the others, it came. I honestly can’t remember what specifically it was for, just that it was some product or service (located in Massena, NY) intended to relieve bowel pain. But the line, delivered by a really hammy, deeply-sympathetic male voice : “Gastrointestinal pain takes the joy out of life” was beyond compare. So broad, so far-reaching, so overdone—it’s brilliant.

We’ve all had aches and pains, some in our heads, some in our backs, some, yes, some in our bowels. Though, I, personally, have never felt suicidal after a particularly spicy or filling meal, I suppose there could be people who, when that old intestinal rumbling comes, instead of running for the toilet, run for the edge of very tall building. You know, lying next to your digestive system on the sidewalk probably would take your mind off the pain…

I wonder if that helps the Massena company’s sales?