So, You’ve Found a Human Ear in your Arby’s Melt…

business_arbys_logo.jpgEsteemed Customer,

If you're reading this, you've no doubt discovered that your delicious, 100% roast beef Arby's Melt was not to your satisfaction, due to the unfortunate presence of a severed human appendage. We at Arby's are committed to offering our customers a unique, nutritious and cannibalism-free fast-food experience. Arby's understands that a morsel of human flesh, however slow-roasted and honey-layered it may be, might not be welcome in your lunch, dinner or whichever meal of the day you trust Arby's with.

Let me begin by offering you another Arby's Melt on us, no questions asked. That's our pledge to our customers. While you enjoy your moist, succulent and complimentary Arby's sandwich, you might have some questions that we at Arby's would be most happy to answer.


Oh my God! There's somebody's ear in my sandwich!

While we at Arby's recognize that, having bitten into a human ear, your chief concern may not be proper grammatical phrasing, we do wish to point out that the above is technically an exclamation, not a question, and would ask that you restrict yourself to interrogative sentence constructions. We've included an example to illustrate the usefulness of clear and concise questions:


You: "I'm bleeding!"

Answer: "Yes, it appears so."


You: "Why am I bleeding?"

Answer: "Because you have an ovarian cyst."


OK, Why is there a human ear in my Arby's Melt?

Good question. There are many reasons how a piece of human flesh might have made its way into our kitchen, not least of which being that we are currently employing a rehabilitated serial-killer (my nephew Jeffrey) in our sandwich preparation chain. Despite our rigorous, government-enforced health standards, mistakes (if we have agreed to call it such) can happen in even the most meticulously upheld food-preparation area. For instance, last week, a vagrant may or may not have wandered through our back door and into our meat freezer. While I haven't had an opportunity to personally verify this yet (fingers crossed for next Monday), I have been assured that the cadaver was properly disposed of, and am confident that this is the case.


What is the nutritional value of ear?

Due to the primarily cartilage-based composition of ear, and the fact that cartilage is known to be extremely rich in calcium, I would have to say: good. The nutritional value of ear is very good.


Where can I go to vomit?

As an Arby's restaurant is primarily designed for the ingestion, and not expulsion, of food, we ask that you refrain from vomiting while in the premises, as a common courtesy to both our staff and your fellow customers.


I'm calling the police.

Once again, I must respectfully point out that that is not a question.


7 Responses to “So, You’ve Found a Human Ear in your Arby’s Melt…”

  1. April 6, 2006 at 12:37 pm

    I like your stories, even the disgusting ones. I would have liked to see picutres however attached to this post.

  2. 2 ada
    April 6, 2006 at 1:44 pm

    nick, most amusing. I think this is one of your finer works. reminds me of the chicken head in the KFC bucket or the fingers found in the sausage links at a ukrainian sausage factory.good one.

  3. April 6, 2006 at 1:57 pm

    Were the fingers de-boned? One would hope, at the very least, that they would be…

  4. 4 step.
    April 6, 2006 at 3:18 pm

    That’s so ironic… talk about timing. The other day I found a penis in my FRINGS. The strange thing is that penis is neither french fry nor onion ring. weird.

  5. April 6, 2006 at 4:54 pm

    A penis is EXTREMELY nutritious (or at least that’s what they told me in prison). You’re a lucky, lucky man.

  6. April 6, 2006 at 9:51 pm

    Haha… frings. Gold.

  7. 7 Paslibe
    April 7, 2006 at 9:47 am

    You guys are all sick.

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