Archive for August, 2006

28
Aug
06

Tropical Storm Ernesto Soaks Cuba

Today, Cuba was raked by the heavy tropical storm Ernesto, which scrubbed the island clean with winds of over 40mph. Recently having come down from hurricane status, most likely soothed by the island’s calm rhythms and joie-de-vivre, Ernesto is scheduled to upgrade itself in time to punish Florida–Category One style.

A Faint Odour of Insight took to the streets in Cuba, letting the Cubanos tell us how they manage to stay dry during hurricane season.

Young Cuban Man Still Showing Emotional Scars

Handsome Cuban Girl

Cuban Old Woman

Cuban Old Man

Cuban Man
THE END.

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24
Aug
06

Ten Ways to Ruin a Small Child’s Back to School Season

Back to School10. Eat half his sandwich before you put it in his lunchbox. Other children will see this, and assume he is underfed at home, and must sneak bits of his sandwich in between morning classes.

9. Pour water inside his sock drawer each morning.

8. Help your kid with his “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” project. Include photographs of him in the tub, shots from your years in college, and clippings from supermarket fliers. Do not allow him to see it or have any input on it.

7. Buy your child a cell phone. Set the ring tone to Celine Dion’s ‘My Heart Will Go On’. Call him several times during recess and lunch hour.

6. Build him his own unique binders. Use corrugated cardboard and yarn. Be offended if he does not like them.

5. Convince him he’s a terrorist and stands against everything you and his classmates believe in. Continue reading ‘Ten Ways to Ruin a Small Child’s Back to School Season’

18
Aug
06

FOoI Newsflash: Rumsfeld Gets it Hard

RumsfeldBuckling under increasing international pressures, U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld claims to be relieving stress partaking in rich and intense sodomy at the hands of his ‘personal trainer’, ‘Adam the Firefighter’.

Shown at left addressing the public in the White House pressroom, Rumsfeld claims that his best work on the international stage is done “either during or immediately after deep and penetrating anal.”

“It really clears my head, among other things,” The Secretary of Defense added.

Though Rumsfeld’s colleagues do seem to be noticing an improval in both the quality and the coherence of his decisions, some White House staffers do question the appropriateness of his actions.

“Getting done hard from behind is fine in your office or in the White House kitchen, but in the press room, people expect a certain level of discretion,” responded U.S. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice.

“I mean, just yesterday, I heard piercing screams coming from the washroom. When I went to check it out, I found Rummy and Adam nailing extra hard on the press bathroom floor,” continues Rice. “Ed Henry from CNN had slipped in shock and almost split his head on the bathroom sink. Adam had to pull out from Donald’s anus and help the poor guy up.”

Rumsfeld responds to these concerns with the same steadfast determinism with which he leads America’s defense. Continue reading ‘FOoI Newsflash: Rumsfeld Gets it Hard’

10
Aug
06

It Will Sap You of All Inspiration

You know, a lot of people pass around quotes in an office place. Forwarded emails, clever witticisms posted on the cork board, and touching pieces of wisdom designed to trick workers into thinking that the drudgery of office life somehow constitutes “a daring adventure.”

Clearly in the following case, however, one slipped under the radar. Get a load of it, if you can get through it before bedtime.

“You have to be willing sometimes to listen to some remarkable bad opinions. Because if you say to someone ‘That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard; get on out of here!’ then you’ll never get anything out of that person again, and you might as well have a puppet on a string or a robot.”

–John Bryan

Wow.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but pretty much the three dominating criteria for having a quote recorded, let alone passed along, are 1) brevity, 2) inspiration slash wit and 3) not being from a nobody. But damn.

This quote is the inspirational equivalent of polishing silverware. And it has as much wit as Ben Mulroney. Long, overly wordy, and drowning in its own message. Why not: “If you want to hear your ideas echoed all the time, then put your desk in a canyon.” Throw somebody’s name next to that, and you got yourself a quote.

Great QuoteStill stupid, I know, but at least it gives the same message in a fraction of the time. It’s basically getting so anything that is remotely forward-able will be forwarded just to shake things up. I propose the following for those of you who work in a similar place of business: begin writing your own inspirational quotes, throw fake names next to them, and post them on the bulletin board. And see if anyone notices.

Post-it notes, thumbtacks, pieces of Scotch tape: however you can get your message up there, do it. And you will see people applauding the inanity of it, remembering them for future reference and quoting them to their friends.

Worker 1: “Have you read any Sally Desglaw?”Inspirational Quote

Worker 2: “No.”

Worker 1: “She’s got this one great quote: ‘Live each day as if you’re eating a creamy tuna sandwich, and you love tuna.’ She’s got a good point. We shouldn’t always worry about ‘tomorrow’, now is the time to appreciate.”

Worker 2: “That’s fucking amazing. I’m writing it down.”

THE END

02
Aug
06

An Afternoon on the Savannah

cheetahs

“Hey, Andrew, I wanted to tell you something, but…of course…I completely forgot.”

“That’s cool. Tell me later or something.”

“…….So….You eat yet?”

“Ya…”

“Me too…”

“You look good. I’m serious. Healthy.”

“Whatever, Andrew, I saw you looking at Tawambe this morning.”

“Tawambe’s okay, but did you hear about her losing two kills yesterday?”

“I know, I know. They say she’s a bit down because her kid got trampled by that wildebeest stampede. I know if I had a kid and some goddamn herd animals killed it, I’d–”

“You’d what?”

“I don’t know, like, take down one of the wildebeest babies by the snout or something. Like where there’s more bone than flesh. That probably hurts a lot, no?”

“I don’t fucking know, I’m not prey.”

“Hahahahahahahahahahaha–”

“Hehhehhehhehhehheheheheheheh–”

“Still, poor Tawambe.”

“Whatever… You wanna know what I think?”

“….”

“….”

“Aisha?”

“hmm….what? Sorry, I saw some kind of a fluttery thing over there. I was maybe gonna pounce on it. It might have just been a bunch of leaves or something.”

“You should, if you want to.”

“Nah.”

“Anyway, you wanna know what I think?”

“…About what?”

“About frickin’ Tawambe, like we were talking about.”

“Oh, right. What about her?” Continue reading ‘An Afternoon on the Savannah’




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