Oh, man, tomorrow’s gonna be the best Valentine’s Day ever! I’ve got so much planned for my lovely lady, it’s gonna blow her mind!
9:00 AM: She awakens to the sound of a harp being played gently by an Asian woman sitting next to her bed.
9:15 AM: The sounds of bacon sizzling violently overpower the Asian woman’s plucks. The Asian woman is released from my service as my woman makes her way into the kitchen for the best double cheese western sandwich of the year.
10:00 AM: Scheduled intercourse, or ‘lovemaking’, as I will henceforth refer to it as due to the special occasion.
10:25 AM: Lovemaking session is adjourned. Satisfied praise acknowledged with humility.
10:30 AM: Half-hour of free wash-time.
11:00 AM: One dozen long-stemmed roses delivered by Charlton Heston.
12:00 PM: I depart for a half-day of work, during which time one (1) Lindt Lindor Chocolate, one (1) sample vial of Elizabeth Taylor’s White Diamonds perfume and one (1) moist towelette are delivered to her apartment.
4:30 PM: I return to pick up my now freshly-washed and luncheoned goddess from her abode.
4:45 PM: She sits quietly in the brisk February air as I read the legend of St. Valentine aloud, below the statue of Queen Elizabeth.
5:30 PM: I pose nude and present my girlfriend with an art brush and a collection of Crayola watercolor pads with which to paint a picture of me as a gift for herself.
7:00 PM: Reservations at The Keg. Girlfriend is invited to order “whatever she wishes” (restrictions: steaks above 8 ounces, shellfish).
9:00 PM: Evening showing of King Kong.
12:10 AM: Released from King Kong. Go back to my house for a brief kiss and then sleep (I do have to work in the morning!).
Wow, huh? Yeah, I know, it’s a bit much, but I guess that’s what love does to a gentleman. This year I didn’t forget: Valentines is Tuesday Feb 21st, the 6th last Tuesday preceding the first ecclesiastical full moon that occurs on or after the day of the vernal equinox.
This year I planned ahead, and I shall reap the benefits of a happy, spontaneous and stable relationship. At any rate, it’s much better than my last Tuesday, where I accidentally slept through work, woke up at 2 PM and watched Back to the Future 2 three times in a row.