Empower Yourself! with Petty Officer Alan “Scoops” McQueen

Did that car just splash you when it drove by, making a slush splotch on your otherwise splotch-less pants? Did they make that McDonald’s sandwich tasteless just to spite you? Do even firemen have time to stop and laugh at you as they race past you toward a burning building? Is that mustard on your neck? Consarnit, it is!

Smear that on your shirtsleeve and come with me! Your days of rifling for previously viewed VHS tapes in a bin are over! People with self confidence don’t buy “Stuart Saves his Family” simply because it’s $4.99. People with self confidence don’t camp out for CFL tickets. People with self confidence don’t shout at the weatherman on TV.

Just by having begun to read this, you’re saying to me “take me and change me.” A bold statement if I ever heard one. Good: you’re gonna need bold to make the new you work. In just a few minutes you’ll be well on your way to becoming less socially loathsome.

Well, swab me embarrassed! I nearly forgot to introduce myself! Ahoy there, mates and rear admirals! I’m Petty Officer “Scoops” McQueen. You may remember me from such self-help vehicles as “Selling your semen: You’re a modern day superhero” or “Vomit your way to a size two“.

If you’re tired of feeling like you’re half-cocked, unstrung, and empty-basketed, Scoops’s revolutionary new technique will electroshock you back into the winner’s circle! Never been in the winner’s circle before? I’ve got something for you too!

My approach to self-empowerment is a simple three-tiered venture:

1. Self-refusal

2. Self-reliance

3. Self-RESPECT!

Step 1: Self Refusal as a Lifestyle

You’re fat. You’re creepy. You’re stupid. You’re a pervert. You’re a Nazi. All the things you are come from all the things you do. You’re fat? Deny yourself that bacon sundae. You’re creepy? Quit masturbating in public lavatories for six weeks. You’re stupid? Quit watching reality television. You’re a pervert? Quit standing outside schoolyards at recess. You’re a Nazi? Quit painting swastikas on synagogues, asshole.

You see? It’s all your fault! The problem isn’t society or discrimination or your parents…it’s you! You’re in an abusive relationship? Quit being in it! You make a fool of yourself at the discoteque? Quit dancing!

Have you quit it yet? Ok…I’ll wait…..

Good. You’re now one step closer to empowerment. You’re also ready to move onto:

Step 2: Self-Reliance

The very nature of this step precludes my involvement. Go do it yourself.

Okay, did you do it? Awesome. Let’s move on.

Step 3: Self-RESPECT!

You smell that? Yes, that scent. It’s…unmistakeable. It’s the putrid, piercing smell of self-empowerment. Don’t worry, it gets putrider. Problem is, you’re not quite there yet. If you really want to smell success you gotta emit success like a fine pheremone. Try coating yourself in “essence of pecunia.” It’s a delicate oil emitted from the fibers of pressed money. I know how to make it, you know. I also have a press at my house.

If you send me, say, $25 to press, I could easily send you back a vial of some of that.

Empowerment off the starboard bow!