Things my Brain Makes

  • BrainIs nudism allowed in heaven? If so, picture Gandhi naked. Also, do you think God would make fat people work off their pounds in heaven? I think that would be pretty annoying, especially when everyone else would be totally pigging out on cloud cakes and golden calf steaks. Or would he just let their first wish be to be thin? If so, you’d have to picture honest but overweight people like John Candy or Winston Churchill wearing a size 31 and beating people like Terry Fox or Malcolm X at chinups and footraces.
  • What if Santa were actually Jesus in disguise, redesigning himself as a more universally appealing figure? Having already tried “somber and thin” to some critical acclaim in the past, he decided to corner the “jolly and fat” crowd, as well as those who were not impressed by fish and bread multiplication, however mathematically improbable. Wouldn’t you want your messiah to know as much about marketing himself?
  • New Year’s Eve is essentially a ten second celebration. Too bad for you if you spent over forty bucks to get in to a club. That’s four dollars a second, which comes to $14400 an hour. Boy, you got chumped.
  • If you put Vladimir Lenin in the same room as Donald Trump, do you think they could cure hunger? Also, do you think Lenin would forcibly make Trump give him half of his fake hair out of ‘solidarity’?

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