10
Jan
07

Seven Metres of Sorrow

It’s fantastic to me when advertisers make blanket statements…on one hand, I despise it, while, on the other, it can really brighten one’s day. A perfect example is “Life should taste as good as Swiss Chalet” (implying that your entire life and everything in it is still not as pleasurable as one meal at the aforementioned restaurant). I personally hate the slogan, but love that someone approved it.

This morning, one took me by a pleasant surprise on my drive to work. I was listening to 101.5 the FOX, a U.S. classic rock radio station whose waves make it over the border to Ottawa. In fact, their station’s tagline is “Broadcasting in North America’s greatest cities: Ottawa, Cornwall, Brockville, Massena, Potsdam.”

And if we have time, Chicago, Boston, Los Angeles.

Anyway, the station actually boasts a pretty good morning show, where the hosts really focus on hard comedy (including a lot of stand-ups as guests), as opposed to most morning show hosts, who normally just fake-laugh and try to sound excited when whimsically musing about whatever news stories are interesting or whatever the hell happened on reality TV last night.

Despite the pretty decent morning show, the ads are just as reprehensible as on any other station. Used car dealerships, Mohawk casinos, a variety of “roadhouses”, and any of a number of other parasitic establishments that crowd the U.S.-Canada border like maggots in the ocular cavity of a dead horse.

DepressionAnd then on an ad just as bad as all the others, it came. I honestly can’t remember what specifically it was for, just that it was some product or service (located in Massena, NY) intended to relieve bowel pain. But the line, delivered by a really hammy, deeply-sympathetic male voice : “Gastrointestinal pain takes the joy out of life” was beyond compare. So broad, so far-reaching, so overdone—it’s brilliant.

We’ve all had aches and pains, some in our heads, some in our backs, some, yes, some in our bowels. Though, I, personally, have never felt suicidal after a particularly spicy or filling meal, I suppose there could be people who, when that old intestinal rumbling comes, instead of running for the toilet, run for the edge of very tall building. You know, lying next to your digestive system on the sidewalk probably would take your mind off the pain…

I wonder if that helps the Massena company’s sales?

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2 Responses to “Seven Metres of Sorrow”


  1. January 11, 2007 at 7:17 am

    I’ve been having Gastrointestinal pain every morning for the past 6 months or so. It does kind of take the joy out of life, why did I not think of this before? Well I am going to go cure it. Farewell cruel bowels!

  2. January 11, 2007 at 7:27 am

    I must confess that I am a GI pain specialist. I have had it, the pain that is, for most of my life but I have learned to live with it even when it would be so easy to allow it to take the joy out of life. The cure is eat healthy food, no hot spices and relax. Stress and running around all the time is the major culprit.


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