30
Mar
07

An Open Letter to Jesus

The Ten CommandmentsHey Jeez,

It’s me, Moses. Yeah, I know; you haven’t really heard from me since the condolence card in 33 A.D. What can I say? I’ve been busy.

Somebody‘s got to enforce a basic moral code on society. Yeah, yeah, your material’s okay, but to be honest, I was never that big a fan of it. Do unto others? Come on man, you know as well as I do that only works in gradeschool, and maybe swinger parties. I mean, you put a bunch of perverts in a room together, the golden rule is going to leave them a hell of a lot of leeway for sinning.

Look, man. I’m sorry. I didn’t write this letter to bust your balls about whether or not “turning the other cheek” would work against a gang of angry and disenfranchised Puerto Ricans. It wouldn’t. That’s not the point.

I guess it’s the time of year that sort of gets to me. I mean, every year it’s the same thing. Here’s my big moment to shine. Passover. Freeing the slaves; freeing my people from bondage. Shit, I’m like Abe Lincoln, only thirty-two hundred years earlier and with a way more kickass beard. In retrospect, it’s lucky his mother named him Abraham, and not Moses, or I totally could have sued his ass.

Anyway, here I am…geared up to see some Angel of Death action, gettin’ out the lamb’s blood, got my big staff ready to split me some sea, and boom. You fly in on your rocket-powered cross, arms spread out like a rock idol, oozing with victimization. There’s not a dry eye in the house. And just when you got ’em, you rise from the dead. I gotta give it to you, Lamb of God, it´s a big, big show. But damn, you know? What’s a guy supposed to do? I mean, rivers of blood, locusts, boils, frogs hopping all over the place. Shit, it’s raining fucking fire. The production values are through the roof, but a couple of planks of wood, some nails and a loincloth, and you got them all spellbound. I don’t get it.

But then I started to think. You’re like Superman, you know? Nice, clean, good values, easy to like—doing the right thing. The everyman can get into you without too much of a fuss. Me, I guess…I’m like….yeah. I’m like Batman. None of this turning the other cheek jazz; I get pissed when I want to get pissed. Bruce Wayne/Prince of Egypt when I need to keep up appearances; Dark Avenger/Jew when the shit hits the fan and it’s time to get down to business. I’m totally Batman. No super powers. I’m not the son of God—I don’t get sent to carry out a mission. I make my own mission.

It’s then that I realized: it doesn’t matter which comic gets read more, Batman wins out on coolness every time.

Anyway, Christ, I’m out of here. Like I said: I’m busy. The Jews can be quite a handful—remember? You used to be one.

Snap,

Moses

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2 Responses to “An Open Letter to Jesus”


  1. April 4, 2007 at 9:52 pm

    You win. I didn’t know anyone could make Moses sound cool.

  2. April 5, 2007 at 6:20 am

    You outdid yourself: funny and thoughtful.


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