10. Eat half his sandwich before you put it in his lunchbox. Other children will see this, and assume he is underfed at home, and must sneak bits of his sandwich in between morning classes.
9. Pour water inside his sock drawer each morning.
8. Help your kid with his “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” project. Include photographs of him in the tub, shots from your years in college, and clippings from supermarket fliers. Do not allow him to see it or have any input on it.
7. Buy your child a cell phone. Set the ring tone to Celine Dion’s ‘My Heart Will Go On’. Call him several times during recess and lunch hour.
6. Build him his own unique binders. Use corrugated cardboard and yarn. Be offended if he does not like them.
5. Convince him he’s a terrorist and stands against everything you and his classmates believe in.
4. Tell him the truth about his teachers. At bedtime, remind him that the only reason his alien teacher hasn’t eaten his brain is because of the mystical powers of his cellphone’s ringtone.
3. Dip his lunchtime baby carrots in castor oil. Nothing ruins a school day like debilitating vomiting and diarrhoea.
2. Teach him the value of ethnic slurs.
1. Give a gift to the schoolyard bully. Print out a list of the softest spots on your child’s body. If possible, include an appendix showing which potentially embarrassing underwear your child is scheduled to wear in the upcoming month. Experientia Docet, kid.