Buckling under increasing international pressures, U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld claims to be relieving stress partaking in rich and intense sodomy at the hands of his ‘personal trainer’, ‘Adam the Firefighter’.
Shown at left addressing the public in the White House pressroom, Rumsfeld claims that his best work on the international stage is done “either during or immediately after deep and penetrating anal.”
“It really clears my head, among other things,” The Secretary of Defense added.
Though Rumsfeld’s colleagues do seem to be noticing an improval in both the quality and the coherence of his decisions, some White House staffers do question the appropriateness of his actions.
“Getting done hard from behind is fine in your office or in the White House kitchen, but in the press room, people expect a certain level of discretion,” responded U.S. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice.
“I mean, just yesterday, I heard piercing screams coming from the washroom. When I went to check it out, I found Rummy and Adam nailing extra hard on the press bathroom floor,” continues Rice. “Ed Henry from CNN had slipped in shock and almost split his head on the bathroom sink. Adam had to pull out from Donald’s anus and help the poor guy up.”
Rumsfeld responds to these concerns with the same steadfast determinism with which he leads America’s defense.
“Look, I’m not asking anybody to come watch me get skewered. I’m not telling Americans to go out there and get there colons pierced by a six-foot hunk—that’s just how I like it, no big deal. I mean, listen. I caught Bush seeing if he could fit a congressional medal of honour up his ass, and you don’t hear me whining about it.”
Rumsfeld went on to claim that he intends to continue his rigorous regimen of internal rectal stimulation as long as he feels is necessary.
“It’s just so goddamn fantastic getting eight inches of firefighter meat pushed into me daily, there’s no way I can give that up for anything,” said Rumsfeld, visibly moved.
“And the way I see it, Americans wants to know they have someone who’s willing to go the extra mile for their defences, someone who will know when to give and when to take—someone who’s willing to bend over and take it in the ass for their country. I’m that man.”