A Candid Letter to the Two Pygmy Marmoset Babies Who Live on My Left Index and Middle Fingers


Dear Baby Marmosets,

Look at you there, all curled up and peaceful. It has been three-and-a-half weeks now since we have come together, and I cannot tell a lie: they have been three-and-a-half of the most special weeks of my life. Were someone to ask me, "what has been your most special consecutive three-and-a-half week period during your life thus far?", I am not ashamed to say that this would come very close to the top of that category.

You came into my life during a brief trip to Peru, where, while resting my hand on a tree during a hike, you apparently mistook my fingers for small branches. The sight of your oblivious faces clinging so tenaciously to my digits warmed my embittered heart, and I smuggled you back to my native country by concealing my hand in a large mitten.

I must be honest with you, however, marmosets:

I have decided to leave you on the bonzai tree in my dentist's office.

Perhaps I had not thought this partnership through as fully as was needed, and for this, I apologize. Though my love for you both is as strong as it ever was, it appears fated by the gods that we must part by my next dentist's appointment.

For the most part, I have adapted well to your presence. For example, I carry a damp cloth in my pocket at all times with which I can promptly wipe any and all of your tiny bodily wastes that trickle down onto my palm. Also, I am right handed, so meeting people and shaking hands has never been a problem, nor has hugging people (I like to think you two are included in the hug!) Unfortunately, there are other, more pressing inconveniences that I have not been able to overlook.

For instance, I have a strong love for playing baseball, and though you both fit snugly into the finger holes of my mitt, I admit I have been shirking my duties in right field for fear of a perfect catch crushing your supple little spines. The team has noticed this and, needless to say, they are not pleased.

For the same reason, I am no longer able to flip people off. This is an inconvenience. Making a peace sign is, at those particular moments, conveying the opposite message.

Also, the amount of drunken fistfights I am able to partake in has drastically been reduced. Some may say this is a positive thing, though I am not yet convinced. Just two evenings ago, a gentleman at a bar inquired as to "what I was looking at," and, as you may or may not know, words do not often serve well in such a situation.

Moreover, my digital hygiene was beginning to suffer, as I feared for your lives whenever I attempted to approach those fingers with a nail clipper.

Allow me to stop myself before I go on for too long. My intention here is not to spoil the beautiful time we have spent together in this symbiotic relationship. I provided you with tree gum for your tender mouths and something for your adorable little claws to grasp to, while you provided me with priceless companionship and a wonderful alternative to cotton swabs.

I merely wish to inform you that, come Monday, you will find yourselves grasping an imported tree in the office of a dental surgeon. There you will no doubt find sustenance from its bark. Unfortunately, due to the sterile environment in the office, I cannot guarantee the presence of ants, grubs, or caterpillars, though you will never want for water or nitrous oxide.

I am terribly sorry that this could not be forever. I loved you like my very fingers themselves. But I have made my decision and cannot turn back.

Let us please enjoy the rest of this week together. I have wonderful things planned for us; activities that I won't spoil in this letter. Still, come Monday, when no one is looking, I will pry you off my fingers and place you on a decorative tree.

I am certain that, given the circumstances, your birth mother would have wanted as much.



60 Responses to “A Candid Letter to the Two Pygmy Marmoset Babies Who Live on My Left Index and Middle Fingers”

  1. May 26, 2006 at 2:40 pm

    This is terribly sad. My heart bleeds for these marmosets.

  2. May 27, 2006 at 6:07 pm

    I hate to break it to you, but those baby marmosets look like hairy, sleepy old men. You should’ve dumped them a long time ago. Now get back to the important things in life like drunken fistfights and digital hygiene and relatively sweat free fingers.

  3. 3 Leah
    October 9, 2006 at 6:20 am

    How dare you say that about those marmosets.They are the most cutest things ever.I even have some of my own.They are adorable!email me sometime.leahrenollet@yahoo.com

  4. 4 Keith
    October 27, 2006 at 3:12 pm

    to toni
    what ever is your problem – how would you like it if someone said that about you or even your kids – if nyou ever had any – you would probably dump your own kids and not think twice about it – pity people like you are allowed to survive

  5. October 27, 2006 at 4:23 pm

    Hey Keith,

    It’s refreshing to see someone so dedicated to child rights. And on my very own blog! It’s also an honour (and a first) to have someone promote execution based on ideology on a comedy website. Yes, while it is a pity that Toni is “allowed to survive”, I am sure that her sadistic and misanthropic views are in the minority, and she will have little to no chance of invading or interrupting the daily ins and outs of your pious lifestyle.

  6. February 20, 2007 at 9:42 pm

    Loved it, adorable, sending the link to all my friends, yada yada yada…So what did you REALLY do with the buggers? Did you really have them or was this all purely for entertainment porpoises? 🙂

  7. 7 kerry
    October 3, 2007 at 10:35 am

    Such a lovely epitaph. They are lovely, and it is a shame that they had to be left at the dentists. I would have been very happy yto have them on my digits once a week or so, just so you could pursue your hobbies.

    In fact, I would have rescued them from the dentists if this had not been posted nearly a year ago…

    Still, I like to think of those dentist marmosets, back in the rain forests where they belong, after stowing away in the dentist’s suitcase as he made a impromptu trip to the Amazon to educate the indigenous population on dental hygiene. There they are, swinging on thier trees and eating their fruit, looking on at the villagers as they brush their teeth and rinse with the homemade mouthwash, twice a day just like the dentist told them…

    And the dentist, finally fulfilling a life long desire to pass on his skills and knowledge to those less fortunate than him, feels much better now knowing that he has also saved two of the loveliest monkeys in the world, and that they are also benefiting from his extended dental knowledge because the marmosets are quick learners…

    The villagers are also happy, as they no longer have toothache, and more molars than they ever thought possible. They see those little marmosets, up in their tree, and think about how happy those monkeys are now that they are home and have all the bananas they could possibly eat…The villagers now have something to do with thier excess fruit, and are helped in thier quest for better teeth by the monkeys who gather the materials unwittingly for the much needed mouthwash…

    Here the monkeys will rest until the next generation branch out on to someone else’s hand and prepare for the next big adventure. After all, they intended to get on to that hand. And who knows what the next generation of marmosets will bring with them. I think they are planning a trip to London so they can bring something extra special back to the villagers who pass their excess bananas on to them…

    The possibilities are endless…

  8. November 30, 2007 at 10:47 am

    Pygmy Male for sale- Pretoria- South-Africa. Call +27 826488414

  9. December 12, 2007 at 3:26 pm

    Hello my name is mary and i just wanna know if i can i have those little ones for free…and if so u can contact me at jonas_girl@myspace.com or call me at 660 695 3514 and im 12 and i live in bucklin mo
    thanx, a 12 yr old named mary

  10. 10 Amy
    January 2, 2008 at 9:18 am

    dude. your horrible.

  11. 11 iris
    January 19, 2008 at 12:56 pm

    how do you get one please tell me!!!!my email is pigtig13@wildblue.net……..thanks,iris

  12. January 22, 2008 at 3:43 pm

    lol this was amazingly well written and i enjoyed it ever so much… i really want one of those marmosets =\ lol or two so one wont be alone

  13. February 24, 2008 at 8:16 pm

    And not one of you has considered what the bonsai trees’ rights are in this matter…shame on you all!

    Baby marmosets make a wonderful soup if there are enough of them.

  14. May 20, 2008 at 5:38 pm

    this is brilliant. i wish i could have three and a half weeks of of sheer marmoset bliss.

  15. 15 Tita and Momma
    August 26, 2008 at 9:50 pm

    This is the funniest thing ever. My daughter and I happened upon it when we googled Marmoset. We got it right away and laughed until the tears ran down our faces. The essay is great. The postings are enough to make you split your sides.
    Only a twelve yr old girl named Mary had any excuse for not knowing it was comedy.
    Keep up the good work.

  16. 16 monkey lover
    October 18, 2008 at 12:08 am

    if you really took pygmy marmosets from a peruvian jungle you deserve to be slowly skinned alive with isopropyl alcohol poured on the freshly filleted flesh.

    I hate you with a passion.

  17. October 27, 2008 at 1:52 pm

    I have a post about marmosets on my blog, too. I’ve been getting scads of hits lately. Googled marmosets myself to see if I could figure out the sudden interest, and found this post. Still haven’t figured it out, but I blogrolled you, because I think you’re funny.

  18. 18 thedentist
    October 28, 2008 at 4:56 pm

    postscript to this blog

    the marmosets have settled in well and are now perfectly trained to clean smaller orrifices in my equipment and some of my patients… The only slight downside is the rates of pay they demand, 3 woodlice per hour seems a bit excessive, but I’m an old softy so let them get away with it.

  19. October 29, 2008 at 8:09 am

    Three woodlice an HOUR?! Outrageous! I was giving them three a day, and they seemed happy–I think you’re getting bamboozled, my friend.

  20. 20 Jacqui
    November 9, 2008 at 8:13 pm

    I have no idea who you are, but you are clever, and you amuse me. I think I like you.

  21. 21 StarX
    November 9, 2008 at 10:11 pm

    i love these small little creatures XD
    as they are adorble and well…adorable
    but where could you find such a creature? a pet store?!

  22. 22 Lindsay
    November 19, 2008 at 8:47 am

    I can’t believe how many people took this seriously! Very funny and adorable picture to go along with it.

  23. 23 the geneticist who modified dna into hummus erectus
    November 19, 2008 at 8:55 am

    And One More Thing on Marmosets: They Are Monstrosities Who Offend God!
    google: CDarwin in Primatology

    According to G. Reagan and C. Ross in a study published in Folia Primatologica 71 and reported in the latest issue of Current Anthropology, twins of Wied’s black tufted ear marmosets share a significant amount of genetic information while in the womb. They’re chimeras.

    To quote the report:

    Starting on the nineteenth day of development and ending by the twenty-ninth, the placentas of twins begin to fuse. During this time, the twins exchange stem cells that carry with them their genetic makeup, with the result that individuals possess both cells inherited at conception that contain the original DNA of their parents and other cells that contain the DNA of their fraternal twins. This pattern, known as chimerism, was found in all bodily tissues sampled, including reproductive gametes. In one instance, a female marmoset passed on her twin brother’s DNA to her offspring, making her children her genetic nieces or nephews.

    This has implications for the marmoset pattern of child rearing which involves extensive parental investment, especially by the father.

    Because of the stem cell exchange between twins, individuals in a marmoset family group may share more than 50% of their genetic information (the typical degree of relatedness between parents and their offspring or between siblings). This creates a situation in which family members may have more invested in their offspring or siblings than predicted for other species—a possibility that will greatly affect the present understanding of how genetics and behavior interact.

    Marmosets aren’t just their brother’s keeper. They’re their brother’s father.

  24. 24 Stacy
    November 19, 2008 at 2:30 pm

    I thought this blog post was hilarious. Especially the part about not being able to flip people off anymore; I nearly peed my pants laughing! The marmosets are adorable but I hope they realy weren’t left at the dentist’s office!!

  25. 25 Derek
    November 19, 2008 at 10:53 pm

    Thank you for this.

  26. 26 Briana
    November 26, 2008 at 10:41 am

    Very entertaining I enjoyed reading this and the insight to the future submited by Kerri last year was just as delightful. I have to dissagree about them being and offence to God for they are Gods creatures as are we all and God would not create an offense unto himself. Thanks again for sharing your imagination.

  27. 27 Cassie
    December 17, 2008 at 4:54 pm

    So cute! 🙂 i love how some people took it seriously,
    but really monkey lover? thats a horrible thing to say to someone, especially considering that its a joke…jeeze 😡

  28. 29 SALLY
    February 4, 2009 at 3:18 pm


  29. 30 Ryan
    February 9, 2009 at 2:59 pm

    XD Oh dear Gawd, that was hilarious. I love coming across these little gems…

  30. 31 Denise
    March 20, 2009 at 5:07 pm

    If I had not read any comments I seriously would have thought that this was a true story. This seemed very poetic; I commend your eloquence and find you very funny. I, cruelly, wish that this story was true just so I can keep hoping that one day I myself will come across these adorable creatures and have the guts to hide them in a hand mitten all the way back to the US. The trees were very much neglected in this conversation, I agree. I love how you closed it with a “Sincerelly, Dad.”

    This sounded really heartfelt. Thank You (all of you). The 12 minutes I used to read this blog was not, in any way, a waste.

  31. March 23, 2009 at 10:40 pm

    Awwww these monkeys are so cute! And so is the story! Can you really get one for a pet? Where can I get some? 🙂

  32. 34 Pygmy Marmalade
    March 29, 2009 at 9:34 am

    Here, wow.
    You people…made me lol alot.
    I’m supposed to be researching animals for my Junior Cert art project……wow.

  33. 35 tamara
    April 8, 2009 at 9:01 am

    this person is a scarmer i answered to a monkey ad in pittsburg pa classifieds and was sent photos of these monkeys with a mess saying the only reason she is geting rid of them is cause her daughter died in a car wreck and that the monkeys in this photo belonged to her daughter who was in college.so i agreed to take them the ad was for free monkeys and shipping fee was 400 from a petshow in md where she was suppose to be at ok i can see that their live animals! gave her my number and this non english speaking woman and man tell me that they are the carriers ,but can,t give me a number or name of the company they work for unless they sent it in email. the woman i been talking to i asked her for the info and she gave me fake numbers and name of a carrier that has been shut down over 3 yrs now for killing animals buring transport.this photo is one of few photos of the monkeys i am suppose to get.the photo of two monkeys on a womans shoulder was another its funny how plot thickens

  34. 36 tickled pink
    May 14, 2009 at 3:43 am

    wow i randomly came across this (much like everyone else) by googling marmoset. what a wonderful way to wast time.
    this was beautifully written, incredibly creative and i enjoyed reading it ever so much. the picture was adorable, and left me thinking about dwarf hamsters (go figure) ^^

  35. 37 dana
    May 20, 2009 at 10:47 am

    i want to no where you got the marmosets i want one

  36. 38 Smooth J.
    June 12, 2009 at 7:55 pm

    Why of all places would u leave them on the tree in ur dentists office? thats cruel and unusual punishment for them.

  37. 40 Tyler
    August 17, 2009 at 11:07 pm

    LOL I compleatly loved it!
    Oh for those who didnt read all the comments,
    Mary was talking to Pieter when he said that they had a pygmy male for sale. But they are soooo cutee, I loved the story line it made it worth reading ^>^ Thanks alot.

  38. 41 Art Vandaleigh
    September 5, 2009 at 8:21 am

    Marmoset there’d be days like this!

  39. 42 Vermin Love
    September 20, 2009 at 10:41 am

    I’m really disappointed in the people asking where to get these monkeys, or condemning you as being cruel and heartless.

    Funny stuff, man. (;

  40. October 24, 2009 at 9:38 am

    Their hands are far too small to make ashtrays from. That aside, they make fantastic live bait for muskie fishing, I have heard. Me, I fish for muskie with large electrified nets. I suppose they would also make nice pets for someone with three or more arms.

  41. 44 duskyp
    January 29, 2010 at 2:20 am

    I want to use this photo for my website. Do you know if it’s copyrighted and how to get permission? Thanks. Dusky

  42. February 3, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    i know right they r but u dont want 2 do them 4 our project

  43. 49 MeggieMoo1996
    February 3, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    LMAO ! their kinda uglly. But cutiesh! HHA but Mommamoo and super freak i got to school with you. And im watching you right about NOW! those things are SMALL!!!!!!

  44. 50 ruby
    February 26, 2010 at 9:12 pm

    please tell me more abut these or a website i have to do a project on them 🙂
    my email is rubylovessport@live.com.au

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  47. 53 SavannahSwagg
    June 27, 2013 at 11:20 pm

    Wow. All of these people and their grammar. Well, the story was great & I loved the picture c: I thought it was true..but I’m glad it’s not, they don’t need to be at a dentists office. Loved how your signature was “sincerely dad!” Beautiful & poetic (:

  48. 54 paker
    November 4, 2013 at 4:04 am

    (754) 200-3892

    Pygmy Marmoset Monkeys looking for a loving home where they can be shown lot of love and attention. They are all vet checked and vaccinated.

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