Things My Brain Makes 5

  • Brain 2 Let’s say the Earth got shifted off its axis and proceed to get closer to the sun year after year. First, people in wintry countries would celebrate the warm weather for a while. Sure, people along the equator would die first, but, then again, they’ve always sort of been used to the short end of the stick, no? But despite everything else, amid all the chaos and mayhem, there’d be a few really great months for tea companies, when business would be nuts. I mean, if you gotta drink boiling water, it might as well be flavoured, right?
  • If a spider were to crawl into my brain and lay eggs at the base of my medula oblongata, I think I would probably quit my job.
  • Fast forward to an age where intergalactic travel is commonplace. We interact with other intelligent species on a daily basis, travel on cruises around Betelgeuse and Alpha Centauri, and hang out in seedy spaceports instead of singles bars. In all the popular science fiction movies, television shows and books, they’ve still never touched on what I feel is a key issue: who gets to decide what planets are called on universal maps? Consider a race that’s two billion years old from an adjacent galaxy to ours. You think they’re gonna let a vastly inferior species that has only existed for mere tens of thousands tell them what to call the third planet from that star that’s one over from them? You bet your Xaltritzz they won’t. That’d be like flies all of a sudden asking us to call cow shit “sunnymede” because they spend more time on it than we do.
  • If I could choose any superpower to have, I think it would have to be “brain and head regeneration”. That way, I could get into the gruesomest fights with my arch-nemeses, and always get my head in the worst places, causing even the evilest villians to squirm. I would get my head, like, smashed between two I-beams or something, the brain bits would be scattered all over the abandoned factory, and then I’d say something, like “Pardon me, Dr. Apokkolypp, let me just get my head together.” Or I could purposely take ridiculous risks with my brain, like snorting drain cleaner for money. On one hand, I could save the world, and on the other, use my powers for financial gain while hurting no-one but myself. My name would be “Cortex”.

4 Responses to “Things My Brain Makes 5”

  1. May 10, 2006 at 8:47 am

    Nice Nick, nice. I truly enjoy your writing and your thinking!!

  2. 2 Tabby
    May 12, 2006 at 11:23 am

    Dear Nick,

    It’s good to read your work. As a point of fact, if a spider burrowed into your medula[sic] oblongota, you would almost certainly have to quit your job because your breathing, blood flow, and other essential functions would be no more.

    Based on your writing, I would have to say that the higher brain centres such as your cortex are performing well.

    love and affection,
    Telltale Tabby

  3. May 12, 2006 at 1:53 pm

    Dear Tabby,

    Thank you for taking the time to write “[sic]” in your reply, instead of simply casually spelling the word correctly. I would like to remind you that you were at no time quoting me, so the fool here is you! You purposely misspelled a word?! What an odd thing to do, huh, everybody?

    Therefore, your efforts to discredit me publicly have backfired and left you one drenched and embarrassed tabby cat!

    Still, I thank you for complimenting my cortex. It believes itself to be special, but so seldom hears it.

  4. 4 Tabby
    May 12, 2006 at 3:11 pm

    Dear Nick,

    You’re right. I’ve embarrassed myself beyond repair. Cats absolutely hate being “drenched” in anything, which makes this humiliation all the worse.

    I may never recover.


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