05
Mar
06

Things my Brain Makes 4

  • I think sending me to Hell would be like a waste of a seat. I mean, I’d probably go into it with a negative attitude anyway, and I probably wouldn’t get as much out of it as, I don’t know, someone like Jeffrey Dahmer or Buffalo Bill from the silence of the lambs. I mean, I’d probably be there, participating in the torture and peeling flesh only half-heartedly, perhaps even slightly envious of the serial killers and the cult leaders who could give their all when it came to screaming for mercy for their sins. Meanwhile, I’d be thinking about all the better sins I could have committed if I knew I was going to come to Hell anyway, for, like, using God’s name in vain or bearing false witness against someone or other.
  • What if, instead of pornography, the rapid spread of the Internet had been driven by a need for, say, embroidery and embroidery-related media? Boy, what a different world we would live in. It would be more ornate, for one.
  • Mickey Mouse, while one of the most beloved cartoon characters of all time, is also one of the most boring, hands down. In order to spice things up, Disney ought to take him back to his species’ roots. By throwing Mickey back into the pestilential world of street mice, we’ll see him apply his knowlege of adventuring and buying flowers to real-word situtations. As an anthropomorphic mouse, he would instantly establish himself as a leader among the others, helping them gather greater quantities of food and spread disease further than they had previously thought possible. After such an ordeal, he would return home hardened by the world, but unmistakably a better and more passionate lover to Minnie, having honed his skills on numerous gutter females.
  • The human body is a testament to the wonder of nature. Billions of cells working in concert, internal systems functioning in unison, providing us with energy, warmth, intelligence and the ability to watch an episode of Oprah or hire an accountant to file our tax return.
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4 Responses to “Things my Brain Makes 4”


  1. March 6, 2006 at 10:27 am

    I believe that my talents would be wasted in hell also…I would have had more enjoybale sex.

  2. March 6, 2006 at 12:03 pm

    So, what you’re saying is, that the things you would choose to do in bed are mortal sins? Wow. It doesn’t get much racier than that.

  3. March 6, 2006 at 2:45 pm

    I don’t know what I mean as my mind has been a mess as of late, b/c of the Brit…I can’t think straight at all…are you psychic? You said that things will work out for me?


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