24
Jan
06

HARPER VOWS TO “GET BUSY LIVING”

harpercrush1.jpgAfter a hard fifty-five days of intense campaigning, newly-elected Prime Minister Stephen Harper is ready to shed some of his demonic power and “really get to know Earth’s surface”, as he stated yesterday evening after Paul Martin conceded defeat.

Working from both his offices on Earth and in the Inferno, Harper has shown tremendous tenacity on the road to securing his party’s 124 seats in Canada’s House of Commons, from non-stop coast-to-coast travel to the kissing of numerous elderly Canadians. Having proudly succeeded, Harper told press that he was happy to finally be able to experience the sensations and feelings that normal Earth-bound humans live every day.

Having been under the watchful eye of his patron demon Asmodeus, commander of 72 legions of demons, Harper informed Canadians that he was kept essentially “half-alive” since his appearance in the political scene in 1985, as an aide to Conservative MP James Hawkes. Asmodeus, known to hate water, decided on posting Harper in the Canadian praries, as opposed to other, more traditionally lake-filled provinces such as Ontario or British Columbia. Asmodeus also told reporters that Harper will now be free to possess all five human senses, and, having accomplished his 26-year mission, has been given signed authority by Satan hflames 21.jpgimself to live exclusively on Earth’s surface if he so wishes.

“Today, I was allowed to smell for the first time,” Harper said early Tuesday morning, his eyes watering. “Do you have any idea how good fresh-baked cinnamon buns smell?….Holy shit, I’ve been missing out…they’re friggin’ awesome!”

Harper hopes that new, non odour-based opportunities will continue to arise in his quest to experience all of humanity’s pleasures, and is confident that his new found tactile sense will also improve his marriage.

When asked what he plans to do with his free time, Harper answered “Really get busy living. I plan to travel quite a bit. I’ve always wanted to see the Vatican from the inside; maybe meet the Pope. You know, find out what we’re up against.”
Mr. Harper will be the 22nd Prime Mparis1.jpginister of Canada, and is excited to take his seat in Parliament alongside his colleages to help Canada become a better nation.

“Of course, not all of my Hell powers are gone. I’ve been allowed to keep a few of my choice as a farewell gift. That’s a good thing, because some of them were too good to give up,” he stated, laughing.

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1 Response to “HARPER VOWS TO “GET BUSY LIVING””


  1. 1 Asmodeus
    January 31, 2006 at 8:30 pm

    It warms my festering heart to see such a fair and honest account of my favourite minion, Mr. Harper. Not too many realize that we in the underworld have been working our smouldering asses off trying to gather more political clout throughout the modern world. It used to be possible for us to just come out of our ashen lairs and spook people into oining the dark side, but with the advent of modern technologies and the scientification of all things supernatural, we have had to slither towards mor subversive means. This is why you crust-dwellers have seen so many powerful political leaders come to power lately. Bush, Harper, Hamas, Blair (although he is more a toy that we demons like to play with, my brother actually designed his teeth, what a riot that was).

    It is good to see the world embracing our children, for it is the only way we can truly interact and get a handle on what you fickle humans are thinking. Especially now that Karl Rove is in so much hot water, he was our eyes and ears man. Our main conduit for reaching out to the disenfranchised.

    So kudos to you Canada, we are proud to call you one of our safe-countries now. And to think that we were about to let Abaddon unleash the giant locusts to torment and punish you northern socialists. It’s probably for the best anyways, for we haven’t yet been able to keep the damn l-bugs from freezing in sub zero temperatures, and we weren’t ready to start the end times with an embarrasing and impotent attack. That’s just what the big guy needs, a confidence boost.


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