After a hard fifty-five days of intense campaigning, newly-elected Prime Minister Stephen Harper is ready to shed some of his demonic power and “really get to know Earth’s surface”, as he stated yesterday evening after Paul Martin conceded defeat.
Working from both his offices on Earth and in the Inferno, Harper has shown tremendous tenacity on the road to securing his party’s 124 seats in Canada’s House of Commons, from non-stop coast-to-coast travel to the kissing of numerous elderly Canadians. Having proudly succeeded, Harper told press that he was happy to finally be able to experience the sensations and feelings that normal Earth-bound humans live every day.
Having been under the watchful eye of his patron demon Asmodeus, commander of 72 legions of demons, Harper informed Canadians that he was kept essentially “half-alive” since his appearance in the political scene in 1985, as an aide to Conservative MP James Hawkes. Asmodeus, known to hate water, decided on posting Harper in the Canadian praries, as opposed to other, more traditionally lake-filled provinces such as Ontario or British Columbia. Asmodeus also told reporters that Harper will now be free to possess all five human senses, and, having accomplished his 26-year mission, has been given signed authority by Satan himself to live exclusively on Earth’s surface if he so wishes.
“Today, I was allowed to smell for the first time,” Harper said early Tuesday morning, his eyes watering. “Do you have any idea how good fresh-baked cinnamon buns smell?….Holy shit, I’ve been missing out…they’re friggin’ awesome!”
Harper hopes that new, non odour-based opportunities will continue to arise in his quest to experience all of humanity’s pleasures, and is confident that his new found tactile sense will also improve his marriage.
When asked what he plans to do with his free time, Harper answered “Really get busy living. I plan to travel quite a bit. I’ve always wanted to see the Vatican from the inside; maybe meet the Pope. You know, find out what we’re up against.”
Mr. Harper will be the 22nd Prime Minister of Canada, and is excited to take his seat in Parliament alongside his colleages to help Canada become a better nation.
“Of course, not all of my Hell powers are gone. I’ve been allowed to keep a few of my choice as a farewell gift. That’s a good thing, because some of them were too good to give up,” he stated, laughing.