11
Jan
06

The Sexual Lives of Our Politicians

I just can’t seem to take anything serious about the upcoming Federal Elections in Canada. Regardless of what crisp and weighty slogans they can give to it, like “Decision Canada”, it still feels like an unwanted runaround of ideas that that will ultimately lead to us watching House session after House session of an angry opposition party trying to topple whichever party wins a minority.

So, rather than pretend I can insightfully comment on political policies and standpoints, I will stick to what I’m good at: making derogatory comments about people’s sexuality. (You got a problem, five-inch?)

The idea of the rich sexual tapestry that is a political party came to me after realizing that my traditionally NDP riding’s leader-of-the-pack candidate Paul Dewar is the 40-year-old virgin with a perm.

40Paul Dewar

That nose, that chin, that smile. Now this is a man with morals, and I think the NDP must know it. But a Virgin at 40? It’s not that hard to believe actually. A clean high school upbringing, a focus on good values and academics, pressure to succeed and then running for political office at such a young age can wane a man’s libido and leave him a sparkling representation of everything the NDP stand for: clean sheets and equality for both genders (ie. abstinence, as really great sex should always be degrading to either the man or the woman). Is it a coincidence that the poster for the movie uses the NDP colours? You be the judge.

As for the Conservatives, Since Stephen Harper’s sexual habits are of no interest to any Canadian, in the interest of stirring dialogue, he has opted to commit an asexual crime against nature and has created a ten-year-younger, clone version of himself to run in Ottawa Centre going by the name of Keith Fountain.Keith Fountain

Harper’s demonic doppleganger has stated that he is interested in clean, smog-free air as well as equitable child-care, news that came at much dismay to his genetic father, who was hoping that his clone would be more focused on spreading pestilence and eating homosexuals. Still, it’s important for Canadians to know thThirsting for information.at should Ottawa Centre’s seat be filled by the Conservative candidate, Fountain’s policies could change. Remember in The Island how Ewan McGregor’s synaptic scan yielded very interesting results? Being a clone, his brain was acquiring information from his genetic father (whom he had never met) that he could not have logically learned, such as how to drive, or how to draw detailed diagrams of watercraft. Already in the picture on the right, we see Keith Fountain admiring his genetic donor at a press conference as he walks past, thirsting for information, teachings and knowledge in open mental surrender. This means we may still see him burning rainbow flags before the 23rd rolls around.

Um…I think I’m done for now.

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3 Responses to “The Sexual Lives of Our Politicians”


  1. 1 Tabby
    January 12, 2006 at 8:51 pm

    Dear Nick,

    This is some of your best work – way better than the adventures of martin plow.

    tt

  2. January 12, 2006 at 9:18 pm

    Martin Plow is a timeless character who is endearing. I think you dislike Martin Plow because you see in him some of yourself, n’est-ce pas?

  3. 3 tabby
    January 13, 2006 at 2:46 pm

    it’s possible – tt


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