Things My Brain Makes 7

• A peanut is actually a “legume”, a “legume” is actually a vegetable, and a vegetable is actually a brain-dead person. You do the math. That means that every time you eat a Reese’s cup, you should be be feeling guilty for two reasons, one of which is cannibalism.

• If your balls were actually two pieces of toast, you’d save time one morning. And then you’d be sterile.

• It’s surprising that Kramer wouldn’t have been more racially sensitive, especially after all the time he spent hanging around with Jackie Chiles.

• I’ve never even finished a game of Monopoly before. I don’t know why, but it seems like no game I’ve ever been a part of has ever finished. Do you think there is a special part of the afterlife reserved for someone like me? If there is, I’m pretty sure it’ll be filled with kids from poor, non board-game playing nations…and Communists.

Things My Brain Makes 6

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• If I were buried alive, I think it might be actually not that bad. I mean, you’d starve and everything, but at least you’d have an OK time thinking about your life, letting memories roll by slowly as you begin to suffocate, and ponder what you’ve done wrong. Let’s face it–if someone’s burying you alive, you must have done something to deserve it. Smarten up, next time.

• If you won the lottery, would you bother sleeping anymore, or would you just pay someone to hold your eyelids open all night?

• Some say that Earth is the only planet in the universe that would have all the factors necessary to sustain life (liquid water being one of them), and that due to the small temperature window in which water is at a liquid state, it is very unlikely that another planet would be placed at such an opportune distance from another star. Fair enough. But what if an extra cold planet had an ocean of liquid nitrogen to act as its organic soup, and all the elements in the aliens’ bodies were tailored to that respectively harsher landscape? You know: dense iron stomachs, tungsten eyeballs, and fiber-optic hairs. Just one of those creatures could be killed and used to make and power a whole IT network. It would be like the fur fiasco all over again, but with things that would be decidedly less cute than chinchillas.

Things My Brain Makes 5

• Let’s say the Earth got shifted off its axis and proceed to get closer to the sun year after year. First, people in wintry countries would celebrate the warm weather for a while. Sure, people along the equator would die first, but, then again, they’ve always sort of been used to the short end of the stick, no? But despite everything else, amid all the chaos and mayhem, there’d be a few really great months for tea companies, when business would be nuts. I mean, if you gotta drink boiling water, it might as well be flavoured, right?

• If a spider were to crawl into my brain and lay eggs at the base of my medula oblongata, I think I would probably quit my job.

• Fast forward to an age where intergalactic travel is commonplace. We interact with other intelligent species on a daily basis, travel on cruises around Betelgeuse and Alpha Centauri, and hang out in seedy spaceports instead of singles bars. In all the popular science fiction movies, television shows and books, they’ve still never touched on what I feel is a key issue: who gets to decide what planets are called on universal maps? Consider a race that’s two billion years old from an adjacent galaxy to ours.

Things my Brain Makes 4

• I think sending me to Hell would be like a waste of a seat. I mean, I’d probably go into it with a negative attitude anyway, and I probably wouldn’t get as much out of it as, I don’t know, someone like Jeffrey Dahmer or Buffalo Bill from the silence of the lambs. I mean, I’d probably be there, participating in the torture and peeling flesh only half-heartedly, perhaps even slightly envious of the serial killers and the cult leaders who could give their all when it came to screaming for mercy for their sins. Meanwhile, I’d be thinking about all the better sins I could have committed if I knew I was going to come to Hell anyway, for, like, using God’s name in vain or bearing false witness against someone or other.

• What if, instead of pornography, the rapid spread of the Internet had been driven by a need for, say, embroidery and embroidery-related media? Boy, what a different world we would live in. It would be more ornate, for one.

• Mickey Mouse, while one of the most beloved cartoon characters of all time, is also one of the most boring, hands down. In order to spice things up, Disney ought to take him back to his species’ roots. By throwing Mickey back into the pestilential world of street mice, we’ll see him apply his knowlege of adventuring and buying flowers to real-word situtations. As an anthropomorphic mouse, he would instantly establish himself as a leader among the others, helping them gather greater quantities of food and spread disease further than they had previously thought possible. After such an ordeal, he would return home hardened by the world, but unmistakably a better and more passionate lover to Minnie, having honed his skills on numerous gutter females.

• The human body is a testament to the wonder of nature. Billions of cells working in concert, internal systems functioning in unison, providing us with energy, warmth, intelligence and the ability to watch an episode of Oprah or hire an accountant to file our tax return.

Things My Brain Makes 3

• Let’s say robots do rise up and overthrow mankind. I figure we’d still come out pretty sweetly. Being infinitely more efficient than us, they would still logically want to do all the work, as their central logic and efficiency matrix would never allow creatures of flesh and bone to do the tasks that a machine can perform much faster, and without need for rest. Robots using humans as slaves would be like us hiring monkeys to build our skyscrapers. Also, I’m sure robots would get into their own heirarchical troubles. You’re telling me a coffee machine’s gonna get as much repect as one of those dancing bipedal robots? It’ll be a whole new type of racism. Toasters marching together for equality, Furby genocides, and sexbots fighting for “same-port” marriage. Meanwhile, we’ll be sitting back and playing all the Xbox we want, as they will be reproducing spontaneously and easily capturable.

• I think I would prefer seeing primates as professional athletes. Chimps, already possessing an intellect comparable to that of any pro athlete, could easily learn the rules of basketball or soccer with the right incentive. And you know an ape would be able to slam-dunk the pants off of anybody out there right now. Most importantly, you wouldn’t have to pay them millions of dollars to play, and imagine some of the end-zone dances you’d get! Go, Chicago Silverbacks! Shit, man, apes rule.

• If the diminutive Napoleon 1) hadn’t died of stomach cancer, 2) at the same time, discovered some secret herb giving him prolonged longevity, and 3) survived until the 20th century, I think the first thing he would realize in modern times is that he could successfully go trick-or-treating as himself.

• If they invented a TV that could watch you instead of you watching it, you’d probably rush home every night so that it wouldn’t miss its favourite show: the 6:30 showing of you, lying on the couch, crying to a Sinead O’Connor album.

Things my Brain Makes 2

• Do you think ant societies have had “ages” similar to humanity’s “bronze age” and “information age”? If so, they’d probably be much shorter and would deal with more focused characteristics, like “the rain age”, the “age of the queen rolling on top of that one guy” or “the age of carrying onion shavings.”

• How is it that Helen Hunt’s career went somewhere after Mad About You, but Paul Reiser’s didn’t? I just think it’s weird, but maybe that’s just because I consider her to be about as engaging to watch as a torn and soiled pair of work socks. Scratch that: do you know how much shit would be going on on those if you had a microscope?

• If they ever succeeded in making matter transport commercially viable, it would really save you a hassle for drycleaning.

• If, while making Back to the Future, Robert Zemeckis had stuck with Universal Studio’s choice of Eric Stoltz to play Marty McFly, with whom they did six weeks worth of filming, Michael J. Fox would have ended up playing the heroin dealer in Pulp Fiction. He would have had to grow out his hair and die it red, learn how to swear, and practice holding Uma Thurman down as she O.D.’d, three things he probably will never get the chance to do at this late juncture in his otherwise successful career.

• If white is the combination of all the colours of the spectrum, then shouldn’t white paint be the most expensive to buy? People with white walls should therefore be considered overindulgent. They should be getting comments from friends visiting like “Wow, you went with the white walls, huh? It’s so luxurious… I’m not bold enough to try and pull that off myself but you made it work, Diane.”

THE END

Things my Brain Makes

• Is nudism allowed in heaven? If so, picture Gandhi naked. Also, do you think God would make fat people work off their pounds in heaven? I think that would be pretty annoying, especially when everyone else would be totally pigging out on cloud cakes and golden calf steaks. Or would he just let their first wish be to be thin? If so, you’d have to picture honest but overweight people like John Candy or Winston Churchill wearing a size 31 and beating people like Terry Fox or Malcolm X at chinups and footraces.

• What if Santa were actually Jesus in disguise, redesigning himself as a more universally appealing figure? Having already tried “somber and thin” to some critical acclaim in the past, he decided to corner the “jolly and fat” crowd, as well as those who were not impressed by fish and bread multiplication, however mathematically improbable. Wouldn’t you want your messiah to know as much about marketing himself?

• New Year’s Eve is essentially a ten second celebration. Too bad for you if you spent over forty bucks to get in to a club. That’s four dollars a second, which comes to $14400 an hour. Boy, you got chumped.

• If you put Vladimir Lenin in the same room as Donald Trump, do you think they could cure hunger? Also, do you think Lenin would forcibly make Trump give him half of his fake hair out of ‘solidarity’?