The Best LOST Finale Interpretation and Explanation

Like many people, I came into the LOST craze slightly late, powering through the full six seasons in a couple of months, just in time to get caught up for the big finale.  While I’m immensely thankful I was able to experience it without spirit-crushing commerical breaks and what must have been unbearable waits between new episodes, there is one downside: having all the episodes immediately at my disposal means I didn’t really get a chance to sharpen my “interpretation chops”.  While most viewers became seasoned pros at scrutinizing pearls, swans, wooden shacks and H-bombs, I was sailing through episode after episode, blissfully unaware that the finale would require the mother of all interpretations.

So I turned to the Internet.

Here is a compilation of the very best theories I’ve found, mixed with my own thoughts–the combination of which completely put my heart at ease and allow me to celebrate J.J., Lindelof and ilk’s contribution to the spectrum of television, rather than scrutinize it for not spelling everything out at first glance.

1. EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED ON THE ISLAND ACTUALLY HAPPENED:

815 crashed, the passengers uncovered an island full of mysteries, some died, some survived, some traveled through time, some left and came back–but it all actually happened.  The Dharma Initiative WAS there to study electomagnetism.  The Others WERE a collection of inhabitants who had arrived on the island through different means and had come to revere and protect it, with Richard’s help.  Those like Charlie, Alex, Shannon, Boone, etc who died on the island, actually died when they died.  Those like Lapitas, Sawyer, Kate, Miles, etc, went on to escape and live to undetermined ages.  Eventually they died too.  Jack died right at the end, with the final brilliant shutting eye.

The best support for this is when Hugo says to Linus outside the church: “You were a really good number 2, Dude.”  This tells us that they did, in fact, go on and have many adventures as #1 and #2, protecting and running the Island, before they eventually died.

2. THE FLASH-SIDEWAYS UNIVERSE WAS THE IN-BETWEEN (PURGATORY) BEFORE FINAL REST:

The events on the Island showed us a collection of charaters each struggling with their demons, fears and desires.  The alternate universe showed us those same characters coming to terms with their lives’ failings. FINDING lost loves (such as with Sayid/Shannon and James/Juliet), REDEEMING themselves to each other (as with Benjamin and Alex, even with Desmond/Charles) and ESCAPING from their personal prisons (Jin/Sun finally getting away from Mr. Paik, Locke getting up from his chair).  Everything we saw in the alternate universe was happening in a timeless reality at a point after all the characters have died (whether on the island, or naturally and later in their lives).  this is evidenced by Christian’s statements at the end: “There is no NOW in this place”….”We all die eventually” –this reality shows how all our characters are able to come to peace with their lives and reunite.  Everyone got their bit of redemption before moving on to the next world…Heaven, if you will.

3. THE ISLAND IS “THE FIRST ISLAND”, AND A DAMN MYSTERIOUS PLACE:

Yes, it is the mythical Eden, and the birthplace of all good/evil and religious myths.  The Island’s numerous traits that were presented over the course of the seasons show elements that are taken from many mythologies–Pagan (the statue), Judeo-Christian (good/evil, creation) and even quantum theories (all the electromagnetic pockets, fourth-dimensional “advantages”).  The Island SPAWNED all these beliefs, and slowly, they were exported to the rest of the world and altered to what we now know as different interpretations of similar origin myths.  We don’t know for sure how many generation of Protectors came before Jacob, Smokey and their mother, but it’s not really relevant.

The fact that Jacob brought all our heroes there is sort of coincidental–after learning of Jacob’s insecurities, and that he was bascially a mama’s boy, it’s easy to believe that he, on a whim, has brought hundreds of people to the island, looking for the right person to replace him.

4. WHERE THE HELL ARE MICHAEL AND WALT?!:

After so much attention was given to Walt’s ‘powers’ and Michael’s relationship with him (“WAAAAAAALT!”….”WAAAA…HAAAAA…HAAALT!”) it feels like a bit of a cop out, but even this was dealth with thanks to Hugo’s brief chat with Michael.  Michael is the equivalent of a ghost now, a tortured soul that is unable to find rest, along with the rest of the Whispers.  Walt, we presume, went on to live with his grandmother, but there’s really no explaining why he didn’t appear in the church at the end.  I’m assuming it’s because the actor probably looks like a 30 year-old NBA player by now, based on his creepily deep voice the last time we saw him.  Also, Eko should have been there too.

5. BENJAMIN STAYED BEHIND BECAUSE HE’S GOT TOO MANY DAMN THINGS TO ATONE FOR:

Sure, he may have been forgiven for what he did to Alex, but Ben was easily the most evil character on the show: the abductions, the murderings, the moral flip-flopping, and most of all, his eerie overpronunciation of any word longer than one syllable.  It’s take a while for him to clean all that up in the in-between.

There are most definitely some other fabulous roundups and threads delving even further into things.  A great summary of all the unanswered/answered questions is here: http://lost-and-gone-forever.blogspot.com/2010/05/unanswered-questions-report-card.html.

I’d love to hear your alternate versions or critiques–for me, the above points adequately tie up most of the loose ends, and leave me free to move onto my next project: never watching TV again.

Zeppelin Reunion Footage

Anyone who knows me will know that I cut my classic rock teeth on Zeppelin. It was Zeppelin and Zeppelin alone that ushered me out of the awkward leather-jacketed, techno-fueled Italianism that was my birthright. Granted, while I may have never truly felt a deep connection to DJ Club Mix 96, I suppose I needed something as hard and unapologetically gritty as Zeppelin to fully strip me away.

That said, it should be no surprise that my interest was piqued when news of a reunion broke. No, I didn’t have $170,000 to spend on a pair of tickets, but I was determined to get footage from the show at London’s 02 arena as soon as it became available.

So here it is. And, surprisingly, Robert Plant’s vocals sound a lot less like someone dragging a leather sack over broken glass and gravel than I imagined they would. Good on ya, boys!

Whole Lotta Love

Stairway

Since I’ve Been Loving You

Good Times Bad Times

Kashmir

Black Dog

That’s a lot of bald heads in the crowd.

Enjoy.

Are All These Gold Coins Worth All this Suffering?

Mario stopped to consider what had just occurred. He breathed in. Ever so slowly, he looked down towards his feet. He stopped. He looked up. He breathed in. Goddamn it, it was true. It was for real, now.

He was standing in a pile of brains and entrails.

It wasn’t the fact that the dog had come towards him—he’d seen dogs before; he had petted dogs before. It wasn’t the strange appearance of the animal: short, brown, fungus shaped, and walking in such a way that only two legs were visible. It wasn’t even the smell—Mario was from New Jersey. There was something strange about the way it moved…almost as if it had no conscience—no purpose—other than to walk eternally and aimlessly in a straight line.

The creature appeared to be unaware of Mario’s presence, but, try as he might, Mario found himself unable to circumvent it to the left or the right. Well, Mario thought, the animal’s going to see me here and move along. The creature continued to approach him, looking distantly away from him yet shuffling directly toward his proximity. Mario jumped several times, hoping to get the creature’s attention, or to at least startle it away, but the creature’s ghostly stare continued unfazed—it was still approaching.

It became quite clear to Mario that this creature was not natural. It was no dog, either, as its flesh appeared to be iridescent, with an almost gelatinous glaze. Mario began to feel disgust and hatred toward the animal—he wished that it would simply go away and no longer block his path, but the more Mario moved, the more squarely in front of him the animal appeared to be. Shit, Mario thought. Here it is now…Christ…directly in front…closing in…just feet away.

And Mario leapt into the air.

Oscars Series Finale

This past Sunday, Hollywood’s best and brightest gathered at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood to say goodbye to a tradition spanning seventy-nine years—The Academy Awards. Hearts swelled as stars and special guests braced themselves for what would be one of television’s most surprising series finales.

“After so many years on the air, so many cast changes, and so many twists and surprises, we really just wanted to go out on a happy note,” said Academy President and Executive Producer of the series Sid Gaines. “There were a lot of rumours circulating of course: that Jack Nicholson would finally kick the smack and tie the knot with Suzie Branson, that terrorists would attack, that Oscar would actually turn out to have been black the whole time…but in the end, we thought, enough surprises.”

In the last few minutes of the episode, audiences beamed as one of the show’s most beloved and long-running characters was presented with the top honour. Martin Scorsese, a beloved cast member on the show for over thirty years, had always been seen as the edgier, somewhat violent brother with a heart of gold. To see him finally come full circle overjoyed viewers across the globe—and inspired the series creators to end the show.

“There’s really nothing else for us to show,”commented Gaines. “Without rehashing old plotlines… or bringing Billy Crystal back on the show…I think we’re done.”

From its season premiere on May 16th, 1929, to its highly anticipated finale on Sunday, ‘The Oscars’, as the series is affectionately known, brought viewers all across the globe into a world of suspense and raw entertainment. While the first season began with a pilot of little more than fifteen minutes, it boasted such stars as Charlie Chaplin and Janet Gaynor. However, despite its promise, the pilot episode attracted weak rating—only 250 people watched.

The show soon spruced up its colors by adding such frivolities as a “red carpet” that the show’s stars could walk in on, and musical performances—which would eventually become staples of the series.

Despite a history of overwhelmingly positive review, however, there are those who feel the show jumped the shark long ago, when actress Marisa Tomei was given Best Supporting Actress in what many saw as a gimmick to “sex up” the proceedings.

“We’re not proud of everything we’ve done during our long run,” recalls Sid Gaines, “but fuck you. Yeah, you heard me.”

Quick Update

Since the last post was a bit too tragic to actually approach with my usual irreverence, I thought the least I could do is add an update to the story. According to this article, the morning radio show that conceived the deadly water-drinking contest was completely shut down, and ten staff, including the three morning hosts were fired.

They have since gone on to create three nationally syndicated on-air contests: “Make Yourself Bleed; Win Tickets to Creed”,  “Smoke Until You Vomit”, and “Have Unprotected Sex with this Hooker, Win a Trip to Hawaii.”

Speak Now, or Forever Hold Your Pee.

A mother’s love runs pretty deep. Hey, if you swung a stick around an average city street, you would probably have no trouble hitting a mother who admits she would die to protect her kids.

But to protect them from boredom? In Sacramento, California, a woman has done just that. In an attempt to win a Nintendo Wii for her three kids, Jennifer Strange, 28, participated in a radio contest hosted by 107.9 “The End” called “Hold Your Wee for a Wii”. Essentially, the goal was to drink as much water as you could without urinating. Little did she know, her stint on “The End” would literally be the end for her. The poor woman died of water intoxication after arriving home. Check out the CNN article here.

And I’m sure she never thought she she would die from something as seemingly innocent as drinking too much water. Apparently, though, you can die from drinking 1.8 litres of water (just under half a gallon) in one sitting; less if you have a very low-sodium diet.

Once, near the end of high school, a few friends and I had gotten together to study for a math exam. Needless to say, not much studying ended up getting done, but my friend Jon and I did manage to see how many glasses of water we could drink. I remember there was half an Aquafina water-cooler jog, and the two of us finished it with one glass after another.

Man, we were pissing literally every two minutes, and that urine was crystal clear. But we were peeing. Keeping that water in, like Ms. Strange would have to have done for the contest, would only lower and lower her blood sodium level, until her cells absorbed too much water in order to equalize the pressure, and swelled, perhaps even rupturing.

Man, that radio station is in some serious trouble, and I hope they give that poor family the Nintendo—it’s the least they could do.

Seven Metres of Sorrow

It’s fantastic to me when advertisers make blanket statements…on one hand, I despise it, while, on the other, it can really brighten one’s day. A perfect example is “Life should taste as good as Swiss Chalet” (implying that your entire life and everything in it is still not as pleasurable as one meal at the aforementioned restaurant). I personally hate the slogan, but love that someone approved it.

This morning, one took me by a pleasant surprise on my drive to work. I was listening to 101.5 the FOX, a U.S. classic rock radio station whose waves make it over the border to Ottawa. In fact, their station’s tagline is “Broadcasting in North America’s greatest cities: Ottawa, Cornwall, Brockville, Massena, Potsdam.”

And if we have time, Chicago, Boston, Los Angeles.

Anyway, the station actually boasts a pretty good morning show, where the hosts really focus on hard comedy (including a lot of stand-ups as guests), as opposed to most morning show hosts, who normally just fake-laugh and try to sound excited when whimsically musing about whatever news stories are interesting or whatever the hell happened on reality TV last night.

Despite the pretty decent morning show, the ads are just as reprehensible as on any other station. Used car dealerships, Mohawk casinos, a variety of “roadhouses”, and any of a number of other parasitic establishments that crowd the U.S.-Canada border like maggots in the ocular cavity of a dead horse.

And then on an ad just as bad as all the others, it came. I honestly can’t remember what specifically it was for, just that it was some product or service (located in Massena, NY) intended to relieve bowel pain. But the line, delivered by a really hammy, deeply-sympathetic male voice : “Gastrointestinal pain takes the joy out of life” was beyond compare. So broad, so far-reaching, so overdone—it’s brilliant.

We’ve all had aches and pains, some in our heads, some in our backs, some, yes, some in our bowels. Though, I, personally, have never felt suicidal after a particularly spicy or filling meal, I suppose there could be people who, when that old intestinal rumbling comes, instead of running for the toilet, run for the edge of very tall building. You know, lying next to your digestive system on the sidewalk probably would take your mind off the pain…

I wonder if that helps the Massena company’s sales?

Tropical Storm Ernesto Soaks Cuba

Today, Cuba was raked by the heavy tropical storm Ernesto, which scrubbed the island clean with winds of over 40mph. Recently having come down from hurricane status, most likely soothed by the island’s calm rhythms and joie-de-vivre, Ernesto is scheduled to upgrade itself in time to punish Florida–Category One style.

A Faint Odour of Insight took to the streets in Cuba, letting the Cubanos tell us how they manage to stay dry during hurricane season.

THE END.

Klose, But No Cigar

AAAAAAAAAAAA-stonishing!!

Not this time, Germany. Not. This. Time. I’m still absolutely reeling from what just happened in Dortmund.

As the precious face of this saddened German child can attest, Germany stops here. Honestly, I never expected it myself. As fiercely excited as I am to see Italy win their games win skill instead of sweat-enducing dramatics, nothing could have prepared me for two glorious last minute goals, with literally just seconds away from facing Germany in shoot-outs (an eventuality in which they would have been seriously mismatched by fate, if history has shown us anything.)

Yes, Klose, as the tournament’s leading scorer, was unable to strike his powerhouse team past Buffon today in Germany. But what a match.

You don’t understand what it’s like to be an Italian fan; the perverse ballet between love and hate, retching and rejoicing. Hatred from all sides; no one who is not of Italian original would ever offer a kind word. Being proudly Italian is a curse, especially when infused with newfound pride after a trip to the homeland like I had been. Finally, oh, God, finally, these last few games we can begin to see them at their full potential, as a powerhouse themselves.

I don’t know what will happen on Sunday against either Portugal or France, but I know I’ll be there (well, not there, but there in spirit). I’ll be there hoping to God that, now that they’re closer than they’ve been in twelve years to the cup, they won’t get a Roma Tomato stuck in their collective tailpipe.

Thank you FIFA, for showing a poor, sports-hating boy like me, (don’t even mention american footbal, baseball, or hockey to me, I DON’T CARE) what a wonderful place the world can be.

Grazie.

Pamela Anderson at the Juno Awards

Expect the ratings for this year’s Juno Awards to climb.

In a move widely being regarded by the Canadian community as “bold”, the Juno Awards have chosen the buxom Ms. Anderson as their host. Representing the core Canadian values of “smily” and “warm-blooded”, Pamela is expected to bring in droves of adolescent boys, who would normally be decapitating pigeons and huffing liquid eraser on a Sunday night.

“This is huge for us,” says Chris Topping, manager of public events for the Canadian Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences (CARAS).

“I mean, let’s face it, most of our fiercely Canadian female singers just aren’t much to look at. Alanis Morisette, Sarah McLachlan, don’t even get me started on Jann Arden,” added Topping. “Sure, we’ve got Shania, who’s a looker, but we’ve already used her, plus we don’t want to be pegged as a loser country because of her pop/country hybrid music. We’re in lame enough waters as it is.”

When asked about the event, Anderson (pictured topless at left) claimed that she is extremely honoured to be able to showcase her remarkably ample bosom in yet another venue, particularly one so patriotically affiliated.

The Simpsons with Pink Skin

Well, they’ve finally done it. And I couldn’t be happier.

My favourie is the fat guy dressed like Barney when Bart is skating on the street. The next challenge, doing the Animaniacs intro with real live people. Come on, people, get to it!

A New Era for Me

Yes, I am a touch behind when it comes to blogging culture, just like I am behind in realizing that my blogging provider now supports video posts directly on one’s site. Here I am, open to you all, placing a video on my site for the first time.

Since, as anyone who knows me will attest, I have a deep love for Back to the Future, I found the following video deeply rewarding. There are many like it on the so-called InterWeb, but this is the one I like best. As a test video post, I don’t think I could do much better. Enjoy!

Here’s to the hope that, in the future, men and boys will be free to share their deep feelings for each other without the use of time machines.

Upping the Ante

Well, a few days ago, I made a brief reference to a humour article supposedly by the CEO of Gillette declaring he would take the razor war to the quintosphere. That same day, I happened to be looking at a TV (something I don’t do too often, due to my lack of cable) when I saw a commercial for the Gillette Fusion.

So, essentially, Gillette really “went there” (snap fingers accordingly), in a slow response to Schick’s Quattro. The odd thing is, that article is pretty old, and I posted it on a whim. So you can imagine my joy in realizing that something I put on my blog was actually pertinent.

What I am sort of suprised at, is the fact that Gillette ads are still taking their products as seriously as ever. There’s no ironic mention that they did exactly what every red-blooded man-who-won’t-go-to-a-power-shaver knew they would do. There have even been countless commercials spoofing the razor wars. Even the Schick company at least had a lighthearted approach to itself when they unleashed their 4 bladed razor. I believe the commercial went: “FOUR BLADES?! Where’s it gonna stop?” (a few seconds of flashing and bladelike sounds)….. “HERE.” (a man holding the razor up to the camera with conviction.)

But, no, the Gillette commercial was a serious as ever, and featured all the crisp shiny graphics and women stroking men’s faces that we’ve come to expect from a good razor ad. They even tried to add some of the trademark science jargon into the narration, except at this, they failed miserably. And I quote:
“The blades are spaced 30 percent closer together than MACH3 blades. This creates a ‘Shaving Surface’ that distributes the shaving force across the blades for significantly less irritation and more comfort.”

‘Shaving Surface‘? That’s the big scientific term (which they’ve trademarked, to boot)? I mean, give me something to wrap my head around. Why not: “Gillette presents its revolutionary ‘blade matrix.’” Or: “experience the power of Gillette’s ‘PentaSlice‘ technology.” Or even: “You’ll have to feel the ‘PowerCut‘ system at work to believe it.”

Despite all this, I’m a Gillette user through and through. I’ve been a Mach3 guy for many, many years, and it’s never let me down. Will I make the switch to the five blade razor?

Only time, and the fact that I currently wear a beard, will tell.

“And I twy”: A superbowl fiasco.

When did Mick Jagger get a speech impediment? Am I completely out of it, or, during his halftime performance of “satisfaction”, was he saying “And I twy…..and I twy….and I twy….and I twy…I CAN’T GET NO!” Sure, I’m not a big football watcher, and maybe I’m a little offside here (pun definitely intended), but shouldn’t they go over this kind of thing before they hit the stage? Maybe Mick bit his tongue just before going on, while reeling back after a particularly good hit of coke.

But maybe…just maybe…that’s what America wants to hear. Maybe speech impediments, being the earliest form of humour ever used, still strike a deeply visceral cord with most Americans. Porky Pig, for instance, being the first cartoon character ever created in the history of the world, had a speech impediment. So did Daffy Duck, Donald Duck, Sylvester the cat, Tweety Bird, Elmer Fudd, and many others (if you can think of some more, please send a comment to let me know, cause I’m fresh out). The point is, at least Justin Timberlake didn’t come on stage and rip open Mick’s fly, exposing his “banger and mash”, as he is known to affectionately call his genitalia. I mean, the guy’s legs are are the size of piano wire, imagine his billy club.

THE END

Mac vs. PC: The Apple and the Butterfly

Many of you reading this will feel strongly one way or the other. I don’t. What I do feel strongly about is the Mac’s indoctrination of its customers, so that they feel it is their duty to be the lifeblood of the company; it is their responsibility to convert as many people as possible to the wonders of the Mac family. It’s like the Branch Davidian of the computing world. I admit I’ve never owned a Mac, but some very close friends (both geographically and socially) of mine do.

I’m happy to say that our coexistence has been peaceful, but every now and then I find a hostility in some Mac users of which I’m not sure of the origin. In my limited experience with Macs, I must say they are nice to use, and the scroll buttons are pleasingly cornerless and colourful. No hostility there… When a program is loading, a calming spinning rainbow wheel is displayed. Hmmm. Seems pretty benign and promotes gay rights and racial unity. No anger in that…

So, why, then was recently I told: “Don’t talk to me,” by a Mac user when I told him I use the same Adobe Photoshop he uses, but on a PC? Why, then, did Mac come out with this ad, which not only disparages PCs, but does so in an offensive and condescending way? The ad basically suggests that PCs are “dull little boxes, dutifully performing dull little tasks.” Are there secret tasks that Macs and Mac users perform that only they are privy to? Every time I’ve seen a Mac being used, it was being used to watch internet videos, look at websites, edit photos or movies, or listen to music. While highly useful and entertaining, I wouldn’t classifly any of these tasks as “extraordinary”. Where is the “cure hunger” button on a Mac? What about the “locate nearest untapped oil well” command?

I can’t see that TV ad appealing to anyone except for existing Mac users, many of which will probably smile with a sense of knowing superiority and then return to downloading U2 music. In fact, I can see the ad doing the opposite of what an ad is supposed to do: attract more customers.

I’m interested in technology. I want to learn about what’s better and why it’s better, but I can’t ever seem to get a clean answer about why Macs are supposed to be better. It’s always something vague like “they’re more user-friendly” or “they’re more intuitive.” That’s cool, and I do understand that there are extremely fewer virus vulnerabilities for an Apple computer, but there has to me even more, no? Even searching on the web, it’s hard to find articles that are not extremely partisan one way or the other.

I did find this web page, though, which gives a point by point comparison between Macs and PCs; see what you guys can get out of it. Maybe some day, I’ll make a switch to a Mac if I discover some clear benefits that have nothing to do with group identity and corporate culture. But for now, I proffer Mac users all the love in my heart. Please love me back, and not hate me because I like computer games.

Your computers are nice. Let’s hope your company can learn to be too.